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The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Guy:
By Rafe, Brown, Taggert, Banks and
Ellison.

Co-authored by Ramblin Rose and Mary Browne.

Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
Rafe: Yup, that would be Jim.
Brown: That could be Simon, too.
Joel: It's Jim and Simon.
Jim: Fuck you all.
Simon: Jim you might want to retract that statement. That sounds like you're
wanting group sex.

Movie nudity is virtually always female.
Brown: Thank god.
Rafe: Hot damn.
Taggert: You have to love that about movies.
Banks: Do you men not have anything else to do?
Ellison: I hate that about movies. I want to see something besides boobs
sometimes. Yes, you all know what I want to see.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Brown: What's a suitcase?
Rafe: I plead the fifth.
Taggert: I agree with Brown.
Ellison: I know what a suitcase is, but I sure as hell know how to pack one
well enough to never need more than once piece for any said trip.
Banks: Jim, why not take this totally serious?

Monday Night Football.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: Amen. Could I add cheerleaders?
Taggert: Could I add the food?
Banks: Could I have you men go back to work?
Ellison: I like football for the sport, what the fuck is wrong with all of
you?


The bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
Brown: (He can't stop laughing.)
Rafe: I've had women come into the men's room because they can't wait. I
picked a woman up that way once. She liked what she saw while I was in front
of the urinal. What? I mean it. It happened.
Taggert: Where did this happen?
Banks: Rafe, I want you to see someone about this.
Ellison: Rafe I hate to break it to you, but I've seen it while in front of
the urinal, and I doubt that is why she asked you out. *Snort*

You can open all your own jars.
Brown: Thank god.
Rafe: Hey, I have to ask Henry for help now and then.
Taggert: Once I had to ask Blair for help.
Banks: Are we done with this yet?
Ellison: He's a strong little shit, isn't he? Remind me to tell you about
something later Taggert.

Dry cleaners and haircutter's don't rob you blind.
Brown: Not me.
Rafe: I spend a fortune on both.
Taggert: I don't.
Banks: I spend enough.
Ellison: Why is everyone looking over here? Shit, will I never hear the end
of it, because I'm losing my hair. Sandburg is starting to recede, do you
see me bugging him nonstop? I don't think so.

When clicking through the channels, you don't have to stall on every shot
of someone crying.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: Amen
Taggert: Well, if it's a good film, I might stay for awhile.
Banks: Amen to what Brown and Rafe said.
Ellison: I don't stall, I just like to hear what I might have missed out on.
Besides Sandburg usually has the remote.

A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Brown: <g>
Rafe: I hate that.
Taggert: I have one of them.
Banks: I'm getting one.
Ellison: If you want sex bad enough, you won't notice anything.

You don't have to lug a bag of useless stuff around everywhere you go.
Brown: Amen.
Rafe: Hey, a person has to have things when he goes somewhere. It's all part
of life.
Taggert: I agree with Rafe.
Banks: You sound like a bunch of women.
Ellison: Hey, you just insulted Sandburg. Take it back, Simon.

You understand why the movie "Stripes" is funny.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Yup
Taggert: I thought it was pretty funny.
Banks: I thought it was hysterical.
Ellison: Blair won't let me watch it anymore.

You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Brown: hee hee
Rafe: hee hee is right.
Taggert: I can only think of two people that go to the restroom together.
Banks: Taggert, this is our workplace. Let's keep this clean.
Ellison: Hey I resemble that remark.

The garage is all yours.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Yup
Taggert: Yup
Banks: Yup
Ellison: I don't have a garage. I have a storage room, that Blair lets me
keep stuff in, but other than that, I don't have anything like that. What?
What did I say? Why are you all looking at me like that?

You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
Brown: They give credit?
Rafe: I didn't know that.
Taggert: I did. I knew that one.
Banks: That's why I'm not married anymore.
Ellison: Well, I get extra credit for a lot of things, from Sandburg. What?
Why are you still looking at me?

You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: It takes me about an hour to get everything done, what of it?
Taggert: 10 minutes here too.
Simon: Ditto
Ellison: What takes you all so long? <g>

If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your
friend.
Brown: If I got forgotten for a poker night, I would feel really bad.
Rafe: I would too.
Taggert: Ditto
Banks: Same here.
Ellison: Hey, did I remember to ask you guys to come by for Poker on Saturday
night? I thought not. Sorry. Well, don't forget.

Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Hardly.
Taggert: Why, how much do yours cost?
Rafe: Hell I've paid more than ten bucks for one pair of boxers.
Banks: We could have gone all night long without hearing that.
Ellison: What kind did you buy? And where did you get them?

The National College Cheer leading Championship.
Brown: yup
Rafe: yup
Taggert: yup
Banks: yup
Ellison: I kind of like the guy that usually have on the squad. I was
kidding, stop throwing things at me.

You don't have to shave below your neck.
Brown: Yeah, right.
Rafe: Yeah, right.
Taggert: You guys have to shave elsewhere?
Banks: Yeah, ditto what Taggert just asked.
Ellison: Nair is a lot easier for a lot of hard to reach places. Hey, stop
throwing things. I can't believe you stooped to throwing things, Simon.

If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Brown: Bullshit. My mom does.
Rafe: Bullshit, everyone asks me if I'm gay. No offense, Jim.
Taggert: No one has asked me that.
Banks: Joel I think they figure you and I are just set in our ways.
Ellison: Nobody notices about me.
Banks: Ellison, are you always this unaware? Everyone knows you are soooo
married.

Everything on your face stays its original color.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: AMen
Taggert: Amen
Banks: Amen
Ellison: Fuck, we all agree on this one? AMen.

You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: Amen
Taggert: amen
Banks: Amen
Ellison: This is like the twilight zone here. Amen.

Flowers fix everything.
Brown: Bullshit
Rafe: Bullshit
Taggert: They do sometimes.
Banks: I never really tried.
Ellison: Bullshit.
Banks: Ellison, didn't you just send flowers to sandburg last week and didn't
you tell me the makeup sex was awesome?
Ellison: Why not tell everyone, Simon?
Banks: Sorry, I got carried away here. Sorry.

And...

You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Yup
Taggert: Yup
Banks: Well, I know that Jim wouldn't let Sandburg wear one to a waterpark
because he wouldn't be able to concentrate.
Ellison: When did this become, let's make fun of Jim day?

Three pair of shoes is more than enough.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Never
Taggert: Yup
Banks: Never
Ellison: Blair makes me have different kinds to go with different outfits.
Brown: Ellison, guys don't wear outfits and if you do, you're gay.
Ellison: But I am gay, asshole.

Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: I kind of like him.
Taggert: I hate him.
Banks: Who is he?
Ellison: Rafe you like Michael Bolten? I've never met a straight man that
liked him.
Rafe: What the fuck do you mean by that, Ellison?

Nobody stops telling a good dirty joke when you walk into the room.
Brown: Well, usually, but sometimes we feel bad telling nasty jokes around
Sandburg.
Ellison: Wait a minute, Blair has a great sense of humor. You're saying you
stop telling jokes around him? That pisses me off.
Banks: Well, Jim we stop telling them around you too.
Ellison: Fuck all of ya.
Taggert: That's what we're afraid of.
Rafe: I think you're all sick.

You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Yup
Taggert: Well, I really don't feel that great about my body right now.
Banks: I need to take some of this weight off.
Ellison: What did you say about a whip? What? Stop throwing things at me.

Auto mechanics tell you the truth.
Brown: That's why we bring Jim along.
Rafe: Ditto.
Taggert: Jim does seem to know an awful lot about cars.
Banks: He has some knowledge of them and the people that deal with us.
Ellison: You're all so full of shit. You know that I'm a Sentinel. Stop
trying to act like you don't know.

You can watch a game in silence with you buddy for hours without even
thinking, "He must be mad at me."
Brown: Now this one I have to argue with. If Rafe doesn't talk to me, I know
he's mad at me. It's a partner thing.
Rafe: Agreed. It's a partner thing.
Taggert: Yeah, I partner with Conner alot and I feel the same way with her.
Banks: Well, I don't agree with any of you. I would prefer if you all didn't
talk to me. Including this stupid survey.
Ellison: I think it's a partner thing.
Brown: Ellison, you are so full of shit. With you, it's a I have to fuck
Sandburg thing.

You get to jump up and slap stuff.
Brown: I don't get this one.
Rafe: I don't either.
Taggert: Me either.
Banks: Have you ever seen any of us slap anything?
Ellison: Guys, guys, guys. Do I have to remind you of how we jump up and
slap each other's asses and hands during games. Oh yeah, that's me and
Sandburg. Sorry.

One mood, all the time.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Yup
Taggert: Not true, I am a man of many moods.
Banks: Joel, you sound like Jim now.
Ellison: Hey, quit picking on the gay guy.

You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
Brown: yup
Rafe: I don't get this one.
Taggert: You wouldn't, you're as thin as Eastwood is.
Banks: It's not as easy for us bigger guys.
Elllison: I wouldn't want to be skinny.

You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Brown: I bet Ellison knows 20 ways.
Rafe: I bet he does too.
Taggert: Why would a person need 20 ways to open a bottle?
Banks: Jim tell us, how many do you know?
Ellison: Two. One for twisting off and the other, using a bottle opener.
What do you mean by that?

You can sit with your knees apart no matter what you are wearing.
Brown: Yup
Rafe: Not always.
Taggert: I agree with Rafe.
Banks: Ellison I think you're corrupting the others in the bullpen.
Ellison: Hey, stop picking on the gay guy. I can sit any way I like. If you
all don't like looking at the bulge in my pants sometimes, tough.
Banks: I knew that was coming.
Ellison: Don't mention coming, the gay guy, might go crazy.

Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Brown: Yeah, right.
Rafe: Oh yeah, I believe that.
Taggert: It might be true.
Banks: You just keep living in that bubble, Joel.
Ellison: Hey I've had no complaints.

You don't mooch off others' desserts.
Brown: I do this sometimes.
Rafe: I never do.
Taggert: I do this all the time.
Banks: I've done it a couple of times.
Ellison: What are you all fags?

The remote is yours and yours alone.
Brown: We all know who is the keeper of the remote at the Ellison-Sandburg
house.
Rafe: Sandburg is the boss there.
Taggert: He makes great food too.
Banks: Taggert, what the hell does food have to do with the remote?
Ellison: Fuck you all.
Banks: Do you kiss Sandburg with that mouth?

ESPN's Sports Center.
Brown: Fave show.
Rafe: I like it when I'm in the mood.
Taggert: I love this show.
Banks: I swear that Rafe is starting to act more like Sandburg every day.
Are we certain it isn't catching?
Ellison: I love Sports Center too, and I don't think that being annoying is
catching.

Bachelor parties rule over bridal showers.
Brown: I wouldn't know.
Rafe: I wouldn't know.
Taggert: I could care less.
Banks: Me too.
Ellison: And you think I'm gay?

You don't need to pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
Brown: I like to say, I'm taking a piss.
Rafe: I say, I'm draining the dew off the lily.
Taggert: I don't say anything, I just go.
Banks. Drain the dew off the fucking lily?
Ellilson: Sir, you want to take back some of those gay remarks now?

If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become
life long buddies.
Brown: Like I would notice.
Rafe: I would die.
Taggert: I could care less.
Banks: Rafe, I think we might need to talk.
Ellison: Simon, you going to let up on the remarks for awhile now?

The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
Brown: Sure.
Rafe: Never.
Taggert: I think it's a bodily function.
Banks: I try not to be rude but sometimes can't help it.
Ellison: I try to do it, to piss Blair off.

You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Brown: I don't care to remember.
Rafe: I keep it all on my calendar.
Taggert: I try to remember all important dates. Speaking of that Jim, did
you remember to pick up those flowers for Blair?
Banks: Jesus, now you're helping him remember things, Taggert?
Ellison: Yes Simon. This is what real friends do.

Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything
different?"
Brown: I hate when someone asks that.
Rafe: I usually notice before a person asks.
Taggert: So do I.
Banks: Oh god, I need to talk to two of them now, Ellison. You're ruined the
whole bunch.
Ellison: Fuck you, sir.

Baywatch.
Brown: Can you say, Wow?
Rafe: I can and I do. Wow.
Taggert: I even like this show.
Banks: Babewatch. Love it.
Ellison: I love it too. I hated when David Hasselhoff left the show though.
He was so good in it. And we loved to watch him run across the beach. What?
I knew you all expected that of me. I'm just saying what you think the gay
guy should say. I love to watch the babes too. That better?

There is always a game on somewhere.
Brown: Amen
Rafe: Amen
Taggert: Amen
Banks: Amen
Ellison: You're all gay.




The Reasons Why It's Great to be a Girl or a really sensitive guy:
By Megan Conner told to her best friend, Blair Sandburg.

Co-authored by Ramblin Rose and Mary Browne.


Free dinners.
Conner: What am I doing wrong.
Blair: Jim buys me dinner all the time.

You can cry without pretending there's something in your contacts.
Blair: I'm a real man, Conner. Real men cry.
Conner: I know, you're crying all the time. Ouch, I was kidding, Sandy.

Speeding ticket? What's that?
Blair: I truly believe that I could talk my way out of a ticket without
batting my eyelashes or crying. Alhtough if it was Jim, I would do that
anyhow.
Conner: Oh lets get in the real world. I would offer sexual favors.

You actually get extra points for sitting on your butt, watching sports.
Blair: I love sports.
Conner: So do I. I especially love all of the ass slapping going on.
Blair: So do I.

If you're a lousy athlete, you don't have to question your worth as a human
being.
Blair: Conner you're an excellent athlete. So, what's up with this question?
Conner: Thank you, Sandy. I agree. We don't fall into this one at all.

A new lipstick gives you a whole new lease on life.
Blair: Want me to try it out and see what Jim says?
Conner: I don't want to be around when he finds out it was me that gave you
the idea.
Blair: You are just no fun what-so-ever.


In high school, you never had to walk down the hall with your binder
strategically positioned.
Conner: Did you ever have to do this, Sandy?
Blair: Oh yeah, it's awful when you get hard by the air currents flowing
through a room. I once came just from watching a teacher lick her fingers
before she turned the pages. That binder came in handy that day.
Conner: I'll just call you handy, Sandy from now on.

If you have to be home in time for Ally McBeal, you can say so, out loud. (
Blair: Man, I just love that character, John. And what do you think of his
new girlfriend? The one who has tourettes Syndrome. I love this show.
Conner: I hate this show, Sandy. I think it's like a whine fest. I really
can't stand them. I'd love to arrest that stupid bitch Aly for not eating
and making us all look like cows.

If you're not making enough money, you can blame the glass ceiling.
Blair: What the fuck does this shit mean?
Conner: I'll tell ya later about guys who stay below under glass ceilings.
Blair: I got it.

If you're not very attractive, you can fool 'em with makeup.
Blair: Thank god we don't have to worry about that one, eh?
Conner: Speak for yourself, Sandy. I have to wear makeup.
Blair: I've seen you in the morning without any. You look great. You just
choose to wear it.
Conner: All right, I choose to have some color on my face. Thanks, Sandy.


If you use self-tanner, it doesn't necessarily mean you're a big loser.
Blair: It's very dangerous did you know that?
Conner: Self-tanner's???? I don't think so. I think you're thinking of
tanning beds.
Blair: No actually I was thinking of going out with guys or girls that are
really tan.
Conner: Oh, you are bad, Sandy. I'm telling Jim.


You could possibly live your whole life without ever taking a group shower. (
Blair: Well, what's wrong with group showers?
Conner: I totally agree.
Blair: I suggest we talk everyone into one later today.
Conner: Yeah, and when they get done laughing, we'll pick your body up and
take it to Dan Wolfe.

Brad Pitt.
Blair: Can I add Jim to this?
Conner: You're supposed to put someone that is going to make me drool.
Blair: Jim doesn't make you drool?
Conner: Not unless you count when I fell asleep on his shoulder once and
drooled on him.

You don't have to fart to amuse yourself.
Blair: Jim would never do this. I mean, it just wouldn't be Jim.
Conner: Is he that anal? Pardon the pun.
Blair: Yes, he is.

You'll never have to decide where to hide your nose-hair clippers. (Ewwww)
Blair: Well, I have to know where they are. I'm a hairy guy. I can't help
it.
Conner. Ewwwwwwwww.

When you take off your shoes, nobody passes out.
Blair: I have to say, Jim has come close a couple of times. He can't stand
the smell of my feet when I haven't aired them out for hours. It makes him
ill.
Conner: I think being a sentinel makes a difference. Okay, we'll give him
this one.

If the person you're dating is much better at something than you are, you
don't have to break up with him. (<g>)
Blair: I tired to break up once with Jim, but he begged me to stay with him.
Conner: Is that true?
Blair: No, I was holding on to his leg as he was walking out the door, all
pissed off.
Conner: Now that sounds like the Jim we all know and love.


If you think the person your dating really likes you, you don't have to
break up with him.
Conner: Well, just look at you and Jim. Ouch. Sandy, I'm getting sore from
you smacking me.
Blair: This statement makes no sense to me at all.
Conner: Blair, it's a fucking survey. Stop thinking.

If you don't shave, no one will know.
Blair: Everyone would know. And I'm not just talking about my face.
Conner: God, I wondered about that. Tell me how hard that is to do.
Blair: I thought we weren't supposed to think so much. It was only a survey.
Conner: So, I lied. Now tell me.
Blair: Aloe Vera Pubic area Nair. It's the best. You can use it anywhere.
Conner: Holy shit.

If you're dumb, some people will find it cute.
Blair: I find this one stupid.
Conner: Total agreement. But do you ever do this to get Jim's attention?
Blair: They didn't ask that.
Conner: But I did.
Blair: Yeah, all the time, and he falls for it, hook, line and sinker.


You don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
Blair: Hell I don't even remember these movies.
Conner: I've never seen them.

You can dress yourself. (Hang on a minute, I had to help Sandy up from the
floor. OKay, we both have our breath back)
Conner: God, Sandy are you alright? That was a nasty fall out of the chair.
Start breathing properly again.
Blair: This is just so Jim. I kid you not. I have to tell him what goes
with what. He doesn't have a clue. Making him fucking clueless. Thankfully
I find that very sexy in a guy.
Conner: Sandy, you are such a slut.

And...


Your hair is yours to keep.
Blair: Promise not to tell anyone? I'm losing some of my hair.
Conner: It's called receding, Sandy. Nothing to be alarmed about.

If you ARE bald, people will think you did it on purpose, and you're really
chic.
Conner: Hey look how great Annie Lennox looked. I could see myself doing
something like that. Stop laughing, Sandy. Stop, or I'll tell Jim
everything you've said today.

You don't have to pretend to like cigars.
Blair: I hate cigars.
Conner: Me too.

You'll never have to blow 2 months salary on anything.
Blair: Oh man, this is so not true.
Conner: I know, tell me about it. I've spent a fortune on a guy I really
cared about.

If you marry someone 20 years younger, you know you look like an idiot.
Blair: I'm a little wierd about this one. Jim is after all 9 years older
than me.
Conner: Sandy, 8 or 9 years isn't bad. * Except in dog years. *

You're rarely compelled to scream at the TV.
Conner: I scream at the telly all the time. How about you, Sandy?
BLair: Oh yeah, not just that, I also scream at the computer screen.

You and your friends don't have to get totally wasted in order to share
your feelings.
Blair: If Jim wouldn't have gotten shitfaced, he would have never told me how
he felt about me. Then he wouldn't have fucked me senseless.
Conner: God, he's such a romantic. Ouch. Stop hitting me, Sandy.
Blair: Just think, I'd still be sleeping down below in that small space.
Conner: Oh you mean the old bedroom. I thought you meant under Jim. Sorry.



If you pick up the check once in a while, that's plenty.
Blair: I do this.
Conner: So do I. I hate when everyone thinks that the guy has to pay. And
in your case, the bigger guy.
Blair: I hate when you do that Conner.
Conner: Well what do you want me to say?
Blair: How about the other man, that is taller, but yet smaller?
Conner: Oh you are evil, Sandy, evil.


Sitting and watching people is all the entertainment you need.
Blair: I not only do this, but totally enjoy it.
Conner: Again, I understand why we're such good friends. I totally agree.


Your friend won't think you're weird when you ask if there's spinach in
your teeth.
Blair: Conner, is there Spinach in my teeth?
Conner: Nope, any in mine?
Blair: Oh yeah, no, over further. Yes, you almost have it.
Conner: Wait a minute, we didn't have any spinach.
Blair: I know, ain't it cool?

When you get a million catalogues in the mail, it's a good thing.
Blair: I hate junk mail.
Conner: Ditto.

Sometimes, chocolate truly can solve all your problems.
Blair: When I try to soften up Jim, I give him Chocolate.
Conner: Why would you want to soften him up, wouldn't that defeat the whole
purpose?
Blair: Fuck you, Conner.
Conner: You wish, Sandy, you wish.
Blair: I'm going to tell Jim.
Conner: Fine I'll tell him about that remark about being taller, but smaller
somewhere else.
Blair: Touche.

If you're under 6', you don't have to lie about it.
Blair: Keep laughing, Conner and I'm going to haul off and smack you big
time.
Conner: If you keep hitting me, I'm going to be black and blue.

You'll never regret piercing your ears.
Blair: Everytime Jim sucks on my ear and earring, I think of that. Very
sensitive.
Conner: Sandy, keep this up and I'm going to jump Jim when he gets here.

You can fully assess someone just by looking at his or her shoes.
Blair: I sure as hell can.
Conner: Tell me about it.

You'll never discover you've been fooled by a Wonderbra.
Conner: We both hate the word wonderbra. It sounds like something that
Wonderwoman left when she was at your place. Not that I would turn down
wonderwoman. But hell, why call it that? It's like taunting us.
Blair: it's a stupid thing to call a bra. And I wonder why anyone would
care how they look with that bra on. Once you take it off, the man or woman
is going to know, it didn't do wonders anyhow.
Conner: Touche.

You don't have hair on your back.
Conner: Do you have hair on your back, Sandy? Ouch. God, stop smacking me.
Blair: No, I have a hairy chest, but not my back. Now drop it.


If anything on your body isn't as big as it should be, you can get
implants.
Blair: I can't help it, this one is making me laugh.
Conner: Tell me about tit. Oh, sorry, I meant to say it.

You can tell which glass was yours by the lipstick mark.
Blair: Conner, I might try some and see the look on Jim's face when he comes
home.
Conner: Holey Moley batboy, stop pinching me. I can't help it if that
thought makes me hysterical.

If you have big ears, no one has to know.
Blair: Do you think I have big ears?
Conner: No, Sandy, not you. *Dumbo Jr.*

You can be attracted to someone just because they're really funny.
Conner: Well in your case, Sandy, it would be someone really funny looking.
Ow. I'm going to kick your ass when we're done with this.
Blair: You better be nice. You know damn well you think Jim is handsome.
Conner: fine, he's okay.
Blair: Man, where is my tape recorder?

You can borrow your spouse's clothes and it doesn't mean you belong on
Jerry Springer.
Blair: Well this made no sense for me or Jim.
Conner: It makes no sense for me either. But I'd like to see you and Jim on
Jerry Springer anyhow.


Conner: Oh man, I accidentally sent it off to Simon, Brown, Rafe, Jim, and
Joel. Sorry, Sandy.
Blair: If you did, I'm going to really kick your ass, girl.
Conner: Did you bring a lunch?
Blair: I hate when you make me laugh, when trying to be serious.
Conner: I love you, Sandy.
Blair: I love you too, Conner.

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