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How To Breathe
by Patt

This is the fourth in a series of stories made from my poetry.


Simon called Blair into his office and asked, "Do you have any idea what's bothering your partner these days?"

"He won't talk to me, Simon. He won't sleep in our bed anymore, either. Something's wrong."

"Where is he today?" Simon asked.

"Jim said he had some personal things to take care of and I didn't push him. I knew he'd tell me about it when the time was right."

"Well, Sandburg, he called in sick today and I take it he's not home sick."

"Sir, cut him some slack. Something's wrong. We have to give him some room."

Simon walked over to the window and looked out at the beautifully sunny day and asked, "I know you can't really get into this with me, Sandburg, but I'd like to know what's wrong with Jim anyhow. He's been in pain for about a month now and I feel like we could be doing something besides giving him room."

"Simon, I think he might have been abused when he was young. Has he ever said anything to you about it?"

"What in the hell would give you that impression?" Simon asked incredulously.

Pacing, Blair looked over to Simon and said, "This is between us, right?"

"Of course it is, Sandburg."

"He's been pulling away from me for some time now. When I touch him in his sleep he jumps. Like someone has done that to him and he didn't want them too. I looked at all of his past cases to see if he'd had some type of abuse there. I couldn't find a thing there."

"Sandburg, do you know what to do about this?"

"I told him last night that I can't live like this. I threatened to leave if he doesn't seek some type of help and he promised me he would."

Shoving the unlit cigar between his teeth, Simon asked, "So do you believe him?"

"No, not for a moment. He's in total denial about everything I think. I just wish I could help him."

"Are you going to leave him, Sandburg?"

"Of course not, Simon. Do I look like a person that would leave him when he most needs me? I don't think so." Blair said as he angrily started the pacing again. As he started going a little faster Simon said, "Sandburg, I hate to complain but the carpet is worn out there. Want to come over to this section for awhile?"

Blair stopped pacing and looked up at Simon and smiled weakly. "Sir, I have to go and find Jim. Something's wrong and I need to be with him."

As Blair walked to the elevator his partner in both life and work was driving around town trying to get things straight in his mind.

Jim pulled up in front of a grocery store and walked up to the pay phone. He didn't want to use his cell phone. He was too afraid to risk being found out. But he knew that he had to talk to someone or he might lose Blair and he'd never be able to live without his guide by his side.

Jim walked into the pay phone, and began dialing the shrink at the station. When he got through he said, "Dr. Barrett? This is Jim Ellison. I need to talk to you. I was wondering if I could get an appointment."

A very surprised Dr. Barrett was left on the line not knowing what to think of Jim Ellison calling her. She'd have thought this day would never come. "Jim, why not come right now. I have a free hour."

"Dr. Barrett, I don't want anyone to see me there. Do you think you could come to my home?"

"Detective, what's wrong? You have to let me know what I'm going to be dealing with here."

"I can't breathe today. I just can't seem to figure out how to get my breath the way I'm supposed to. Basically, I'm a mess."

"What's your address, Jim? I'll come there."

"Thank you, Doctor. It's 852 Prospect Ave., #307. I'll be waiting for you."

Jim hung up the phone and started back for the loft. He knew that he needed help more today than any other day. He was on the verge of letting go of his self-control and he couldn't have that happen. Once he arrived at the loft he just paced back in forth of the balcony doors until he saw the doctor drive up.
When Dr. Barrett knocked on the door, Jim opened it saying, "Please, come in, Doc."

Dr. Barrett saw a very tired, stressed and emotionally upset man. She hadn't a clue as to what this was about. She'd looked over his past records and didn't see anything that would bring this on from the usually stoic cop.

"Detective Ellison, let's sit down and you can tell me what's wrong."

"I can't even tell you exactly what's wrong but it's there. Do you ever do that, Doc? Feel like there's something so wrong but don't have a clue as to what it is?"

"Yes, Jim, I do. Now go on."

I have awoken for the last two weeks in the middle of the night not being able to breathe properly. I can't catch my breath and my roommate has to calm me down. I really thought that this was all in my past. But it's back. Just like when I was young. It's back. Please... make it go away."

"Jim, you have to open up a little more than that to me. You're going to have to tell me what happened when you were young to make you breathe funny."

"Oh god. I don't want to tell you. You'll tell my dad." Jim bent over and started sobbing. Dr. Barrett sat down next to Jim and rubbed his back softly as she said, "Jim, you have to tell me what's going on and then we'll discuss if your dad needs to know or not."

"You promise you won't tell him. It would piss him off so bad." Jim said in an almost child like voice.

"Jim, I won't tell anyone anything unless you want me to. Now, please, tell me what's wrong. What happened that's making you so frightened?"

"My dad had to go out of town a lot of times and he'd leave me and Stevie with a babysitter. Well, when she was busy, she'd have her brother come by and he'd take over for her until she was done with whatever."

"Calm down, Jim. Nothing's going to hurt you here. Just tell me about it."

"Doc, I need you to tell me how to breathe. I can't get my breath."

"Jim, lay back on the sofa and relax. We don't need to talk about anything right now. Do you understand?"

"Okay." Jim answered again in the child like voice.

As he drifted off to sleep, Dr. Barrett called William Ellison and asked him to come and see his son. She didn't say anything else.

When William arrived she opened the door to the loft and William said, "What the hell's going on? What's wrong with Jimmy?"

"I don't know, sir, that's why you're here to help me. I think he wants someone to talk to, that knows him and understands him but is afraid that you'll hate him or disown him."

William looked over at Jim, saw the sleeping man on the sofa, saw the tears on his face and said, "What's going on?"

"I don't know, sir, but I might have to admit him. He's totally out of it and I figured that I might need you to sign for him."

"Well, let's talk to him first. I'm sure it's something easily explained." William sat down on the sofa next to Jim and shook him awake and said, "Jimmy? Come on, son, wake up."

Jim opened up his eyes and he smiled at his dad until he saw the doctor and then he screamed, "You fucking promised you wouldn't tell him. You promised." With that said Jim ran up the stairs to his room in the loft. He was found a few moments later by his dad curled into a ball in a corner of the room.

"Jimmy, I need you to talk to me."

"I'm sorry, Dad. I'm really sorry. He told me he'd hurt Stevie if I told you. I wanted to tell you because he hurt me all the time. But he would hurt Stevie and I couldn't let that happen. I'm sorry." Jim started sobbing.

William sat on the floor next to Jim and said, "Jimmy, come here, son. It's all right. Nothing's wrong. I came over to see you and this nice person let me in. I want you to tell me who touched you, Jimmy and I'll take care of them."

"He's in prison, Dad. He molested a family and was sent to prison. All because of me."

William pulled him closer and said, "Jimmy, that's not true. Do you understand? We'll work through this. Don't worry about it." William kissed Jim's forehead to let him know that he was safe.

Jim went into his dad's arms and began softly crying asking for forgiveness.

The doctor looked over the reports that Jim had worked on and there was nothing, she had no idea what was going on. So she called Simon and asked, "Captain Banks, this is Dr. Barrett and I was wondering if you've had any child molesting cases lately. Anything come through Major Crime?"

"I don't know why you need to know that, but yes, we had a case that Rafe and Brown worked on up until about five weeks ago. It's all taken care of. The man was guilty and put away for a long, long time."

"What was his name, Captain?"

"Nicolas Pratt. Does this name mean anything to you, Doctor?"

"No, but I have some more questions to ask Rafe and Brown in about two hours. I'll see them then. Thank you for your time."

"All right. I hope everything's all right, Dr. Barrett." Simon said knowing that somehow this had to do with his lead detective who was missing today.

As she walked back upstairs, Jim was saying, "Dad, I don't mean to be so sad but everyone else seems to be sad and I don't have a right to be happier than them, do I?"

"Jimmy, you have every right to be happy. Now I want you to tell me from the start who touched you. I'm not angry. I just need to know."

"Dad, he's in prison, he can't hurt me anymore."

"But it's hurting me, Jimmy."

"I'm so sorry, Dad. I'm so sorry." and he was back in his dad's arms again. The doctor walked over, rubbed Jim's back and said, "Jim, I need you to tell your dad about Nicolas Pratt. He wants to know. He wants to protect his son. He wants to help you now."

"Dad, some days I have to make myself breathe. I don't want to do it on my own. So, I have to force myself. I just have to remember to do it in and out through my mouth. Blair taught me that."

"Blair taught you well. Now I want you to tell me all about this Mr. Pratt."

"Dad, he destroyed four lives all because I was too afraid to tell you about him. And when I got older, I was still afraid. Those little kids had no one to look out for them but me and I let them down."

The doctor walked by with a needle and said, "Jim, I'm going to give you a shot to help you relax and then you're going to sleep for a short while. Your dad will be here when you wake up." Saying this she got his arm ready and gave him the shot. Within a few minutes he was sound asleep.

William and Dr. Barrett made him a bed on the floor since he was too heavy for them to carry. Once they got him all settled, William said, "Jimmy's allergic to many things, so I'm going to watch him closely to be sure he's all right."

The doctor leaned back against Jim's bed and also sat on the floor. She pulled a pillow down for William to lean against on the floor. "William, do you recognize the name Nicolas Pratt?"

"No, should I?"

"The name Pratt doesn't mean anything to you?"

"Well, at one time I had a pretty nice babysitter named Pratt. She was very good with the boys. And was always willing to watch them when I was out of town."

"Did she have brothers, do you suppose? Mr. Ellison, just think on that for a minute."

"Oh god! She did have a brother who was arrested not that long ago. A couple of months ago he molested his whole family. So you think this is what happened to Jimmy?"

"That would be my guess. And you heard him say he wanted to tell you. But Pratt threatened him with hurting Stevie. Is this your other son?"

"Yes, and he was very protective of his brother. Jimmy went through a time in his teens where he was so mad at me, I wonder if this is why?"

In his sleep, Jim was saying, Daddy, make him stop. Help me, Daddy. Please... make him stop."

William Ellison took Jim into his arms and said, "Jimmy, I did make him stop. Everything will be all right now, son. You just sleep and know that I'm here for you."

Dr. Barrett looked over at the two men and saw two of the saddest individuals she'd ever seen in her life. This was going to be a tough one.

Jim suddenly woke when he heard his dad crying and said, "Dad, tell me what's wrong. What happened? Why are you crying?"

"It's okay, Jimmy. Everything will be all right."

Jim looked around the room in confusion and said, "Dad, did something happen to Blair?"

"No, Jimmy, nothing happened to Blair. We're here because of Nicolas Pratt. We were talking about him until you got too upset."

Jim pulled away from his dad, looked over at the doctor and said, "What did you give me?"

"I just gave you something to help you relax. Nothing else, Jim. Calm down."

"Dad, I'm really sorry. Okay? No one will have to know. Don't worry about that. I just need to get used to having it on the surface again. It's been buried for a long while."

"Jimmy, I don't want you to bury it. I want you to talk about it. I'm going to go to therapy with you. I think we both need it."

"It's scary and frightening to find out that it still has this strong of a hold over me. That's what bothers me the most, I think." Jim said with his head hanging down.

"Jimmy, you didn't do anything wrong so I don't want your head bowed in shame. Do you understand me?" William asked as he lifted Jim's head up to meet his eyes.

"Yeah, I understand, Dad. Thanks." Jim said as he moved into his dad's arms again. But this time not to cry, but to just feel loved.

"Jimmy, it will take time, but we'll both learn how to start breathing right. Things will get better."

"Thanks for being here, Dad."

"Jim, I want you and your dad to start coming in for the next two weeks three times a week and you'll be off duty until further notice." Dr. Barrett said as she wrote out the paper telling Simon this very same thing.

"It makes sense. Can I bring Blair too, Dad?" Jim asked quietly, almost a whisper.

"Of course you can, son. You know that I really like Blair. So never worry about that, all right?" As William got up, he helped Jim to his feet and helped Jim into his bed. He got Jim's clothes off and tucked him in and said, "I'll call Blair and tell him I'm here with you now and when he comes home I'll still be here, Jimmy."

"Thanks, Dad." Jim said falling asleep.

As William joined the doctor downstairs, she said, "I think he's going to be just fine. You did a really good job with him today. He was so scared."

"Well, that makes two of us, then. I can't believe how bad that whole thing scared me. But I'm ready if he is. We'll get this all behind us."

William walked the doctor to the door and then closed and locked it. He called Blair and said, "I'm here with Jim but he needs you here. He'll be off for two weeks and we're going to need some therapy."

"William, I'm on my way. Keep him safe, all right?" Blair said as he slammed down the phone. Blair rushed to tell Simon that he'd be off for two weeks with Jim and he'd explain later. He knew that things must be bad if Jim's dad was there.

"Be careful driving home, Sandburg." Simon said, "and take good care of our friend."

"I will, Sir." Blair said as he rushed down the stairs to his car.

Upstairs, Jim was lying in bed and said softly, "In and out. Breathe. Breathe in and out and things will get better. Someone help me remember to breathe."

"Don't worry, Jimmy, I'm here. I'll help you remember. Now go back to sleep."

Things would get better, but for right now, they all had to remember how to breathe.