Why Me?
By Patt
Ray turned to Elmo and said, "So what are we going to do now? We have no money, no place to stay and a car that doesn't want to run most of the time."
"Calm down. I have an idea, Ray." Elmo said getting that look on his face like he was having a really serious thought. Either that or he was terribly constipated.
"What's the play, Elmo?" Ray asked looking at him with a surge of hope.
"See that little guy right there. I've been watching him for awhile now. He lives with a guy named Ellison. Yes, the same Ellison family that has money, no less." Elmo said.
"Hot damn, I can't believe this. When did you start watching him? Ellison, I mean?" Ray asked.
"Ever since William Ellison screwed my Dad I've been wanting to get him back. This is my chance." Elmo said.
"I didn't know your dad was into guys." Ray said with his mouth hanging open.
"No, you idiot! I mean, screwed as in taking him to the cleaners." Elmo said.
"Why was Mr. Ellison taking your dad to the cleaners?" Ray asked innocently.
"Just drop it, Ray. Forget it. He was mean to my dad, okay? Is that easy enough to understand?"
"Sure Elmo, I got it. I didn't mean to make you mad. Things will be all right. So we're going to take this old man Ellison, right?"
"No, Ray. We're going to take his son, James Ellison. There he is right there. What do you think?"
"Elmo, he's too fucking big for us to grab. Do you have any ideas on how to get him into the car. He doesn't look stupid."
"Good thinking, Ray. We better watch. We'll take his girlfriend and then have his daddy pay the ransom."
"Good thinking, Elmo. When do we start watching?"
"Right now. Keep an eye on James Ellison and his partner and let me know what they're up to while I nap for a short time."
Some time later Elmo woke up to a sleeping Ray and said, "Ray, why are you sleeping? You were supposed to be watching Ellison and his partner."
"I did watch them. They were kissing. You never told me that I had to watch no stinking fags."
"Oh, this is good. This is very good." Elmo said happily.
"It's good that they're fags? I thought you said fags suck." Ray said confused.
"What I said was I hate those damn fags. They suck and fuck in a sick way."
"Oh, and what way's that, Elmo?"
"Stupid, they suck each other's cocks. Then to top it all off, they stick their cocks up each other's ass."
Ray had a really disturbed look on his face and said, "How the hell do they suck and fuck at the same time?"
"Jesus, shut the fuck up, Ray. I'm tired of your questions. Let's make plans for taking his partner. He's smaller and would be easier to drug and get into the car."
They walked back to the car, got in and it wouldn't start. "God, give me strength." Elmo said and Ray looked around as if God was in the car with them. "What's wrong with the car, Elmo?"
"Well, if I knew what was wrong with the car we wouldn't still be sitting here, would we?" Elmo complained.
"Maybe we can kidnap that partner and his car. That's a good idea." Ray said smiling at his good thinking.
"Ray, we can't take his car. They'll be looking for it and find us first thing."
"Sorry, Elmo, I was just trying to help out." Ray said with his head hanging down.
"You know what you can do? You could help me find a place that's free to live while we have this guy. We've got to find someplace that has some room in case he screams or something."
"What cha gonna do to him that will make him scream, Elmo?"
"Oh, get a grip, Ray. I'm not a fucking perv. I've no intention of doing anything sexual to that man but he's going to want to get out of here. So, doesn't it make sense to you that he would scream for help?"
"I know, I know. We can put something over his mouth." Ray shouted, beaming with pride. "A gag."
"Oh yeah, that's a good idea, Ray. We'll do that. And how do you suggest we feed him if we have something over his mouth?"
"Well, now I came up with the good idea about the gag, so you have to come up with something now. It's your turn, Elmo."
"You know, Ray, I'm this close to smacking you upside the head." Elmo growled.
"Geeze, I was just trying to be helpful. I'm going to go and find us a place to stay. I'll find us a good place, Elmo. I promise."
"Good because the sooner we get this done, the better."
Ray went down to a bad part of town where there were a lot of empty buildings and started going through them until he found one that would work. It was huge. It would hold them all with ease and there was also room for a small stove to keep them all warm and to cook on. Ray knew that he'd have to steal one. They didn't have any money. After he was certain that he got the camping stove, he'd be sure to go and steal some pretty good food. Then he'd take everything to their new home. Elmo was going to be very surprised.
For the next five days, Ray took things over to the abandoned warehouse. They had all the camping equipment that they would need to get them through all of this. With the cold weather, Ray knew that they needed plenty of the small cans of gas to heat the stove with. Propane would be a lot cheaper to use not to mention that it wouldn't burn down the building if they tried building a fire with firewood.
Ray walked up to Elmo and said, "We're ready. Everything's there. You'll be surprised."
"I'm sure I will be, Ray." Elmo said with an odd look on his face. They headed over to the diner and sat and waited for Blair to show up like he did most days. They had the plans made and Ray would draw him to the car and Elmo would take it from there. Elmo walked out when he saw Blair come in to get his coffee. Ray waited until Blair was coming out the door and he said, "Mr. could you help me? My friend might be having a seizure or something."
"Lead the way. I know what to do." Blair said as he quickly followed the man. Once they got there, he saw the man lying there and he said, "I don't think he's had a seizure but let me check him out here and then we'll call an ambulance."
Elmo popped up in the seat and grabbed Blair and zapped him with a stun gun. Blair was out like a light. "I told you we could do this."
"Yeah, you did, Elmo. You're really smart."
"Ray, I want you to sit here in the backseat with this guy and don't let him go for anything." Elmo said as he got into the driver's seat and tried to start the car. "Well fuck, we can't get a fucking break."
"What's wrong, Elmo?" Ray asked holding on to Blair for dear life.
"The fucking car won't start, you moron, what do you think I was talking about?"
"Well, you better try to get it started before they miss him and come looking for him." Ray said getting nervous already.
"Calm down, Ray. Things will be fine."
Finally, the car started up and both men let out a shout of joy. Elmo saying, "It's about fucking time," and Ray saying, "You fixed the car, Elmo. I can't believe it."
Driving down the street Blair started to stir and Elmo said, "Zap him again if he wakes up. Do you understand me, Ray?"
"Yes, Elmo. I don't want to though. Maybe I could drive you to our new home and you could do the zapping."
"Ray, if I stop the car I don't want to chance it not starting again. Okay?"
"All right, if I have to." Elmo said watching Blair again and praying he wouldn't wake up till they got to their new home.
"So, Ray, what's the address of our new place?"
"I don't know. I know where it is but don't know the address."
"Well, did you think about maybe giving me directions so I can get there?" Elmo complained.
"Just keep going straight until the end of this street and then I'll show you which way to go."
Elmo looked in the rearview mirror and found himself wondering if he was the bigger moron for having Ray as his partner.
When they got to the end of that street, Elmo said, "Which way, Ray?"
"This way, Elmo." Ray said as he shook his head in the right hand direction.
"Ray, do you know the difference between right and left?" Elmo asked sarcastically.
"Yeah, I know that when I'm right, you don't get mad and when I'm left you're pissed off."
"Jesus Christ, Ray. I mean, the left and right hands."
"Yeah, I have a left and a right hand, Elmo. Why are you asking that? You're being so weird today."
"Never mind, Ray. Am I going the right way?"
"You must be cuz you're not pissed off." Ray said smiling proudly.
Elmo wanted to pull the car over and beat the shit out of his partner but realized it wasn't Ray's fault he was the way he was. His dad had beat him senseless when he was 12 and he had been that way ever since. Elmo and Ray had been friends since they were four. So, Elmo couldn't hurt him no matter what Ray did.
Blair started stirring in the back seat and Ray was going to panic, Elmo could tell. Elmo pulled the car over to the side of the quiet road and said, "Ray, you come up here and drive now and I'll get back there with our friend, okay?"
"Okay, Elmo. That would be good."
Elmo got out of the driver's seat and went to the back seat and got in as Ray got out. Blair started waking up and Elmo zapped him again without another thought. Ray looked back there and said, "Friends don't zap friends, Elmo. You said he was our friend."
"Shut up, Ray and drive to our new place. I can't wait to see it."
"You and our friend are going to love it. I've got everything there that we'll need."
"Good, Ray. Now drive and get us there."
As Ray drove he played the music loudly singing along. It was Christmas time and Ray loved Christmas songs. Elmo hated them with a passion but it kept his partner happy for right now so he wasn't going to bitch about it.
Ray was singing, "Jingle balls, Jingle balls, Jingle swing and sway."
"Ray, what the hell are you singing?" Elmo asked with his mouth hanging open. Elmo had really thought nothing would shock him from his partner but that was beyond weird.
"That's the way my dad taught me to sing it, Elmo. Why?"
"Because that's not the way it goes, Ray. I'll teach you later on, okay?" Elmo said feeling sad for a moment for his partner but then he saw the goofy look on Ray's face and that tender moment passed.
When they drove up, Ray pulled into this underground garage and said, "See, Elmo? No one will see our car from the street."
"You did a really good job, Ray. Now show me the way to our place. Do we have to go outside to get to it or can we get there from here?"
"Follow me, Elmo. You're going to be so proud of me. I did a really good job."
Elmo pulled a very limp Blair over his shoulder and did a fireman's carry and started after Ray. They walked up two flights of stairs and Elmo was getting ready to bitch when Ray said, "Elmo, I figured we needed to be up at least to the third floor in case he tried to make a run for it and jump out the window or something."
"Good thinking, Ray. Very good thinking." Elmo was impressed.
As they walked into a room, it was pitch black and Elmo said, "Geeze, you couldn't find one with window's in it, Ray?"
"Oh, this one has window's, Elmo. I covered them all up so no one would see our lights. Let me get the lights and shut the door."
Ray shut the door and flicked a switch on and two camp lights came on and the room had a nice little glow to it. Elmo looked around and saw, three cots, sleeping bags, portable toilet, camp stove for cooking and for heat. Yes, Ray had done an excellent job with this.
"Ray, I'm really impressed. You did a great job." Elmo said huffing as he dropped Blair onto the cot. "Did you remember rope to tie him up with? And what about tape for his mouth?"
"Yeah, Elmo, I got it all. Don't worry. I got everything on your list."
Once they got Blair tied up good, they relaxed a little bit. Elmo looked on the floor and saw magazines piled up and said, "We're not going to be here that long, Ray."
"Well, just in case. You never know. Better safe than sorry, right?"
"Is this all the light we have in here?" Elmo asked as he squinted across the huge warehouse.
"Actually, this is just to get us started. Now we're going to move everything into the smaller room over there. That way we won't be letting all the heat go out the top of the building."
Elmo looked at Ray like he was seeing a ghost or something. "Ray, how did you think of all of this?"
"My dad had us live like this once and I remembered most of it from then." Ray said beaming again.
They moved everything into the smaller room, got the cots all set up and once they got settled, everything was much brighter. Elmo found numerous flash lights too. Things would not be as bad as he had thought they would be. In all actuality, things were going rather smoothly.
Blair groaned and tried to sit up. He started making a lot of noise under the tape across his mouth. Elmo went over and said, "I'm going to take this off, but you scream and I'll put it back and never take it back off again."
He yanked the tape off in one swoop and Blair let out a small scream. Ray jumped up and said, "He said not to scream. You're going to piss him off. Don't do that. You won't like him when he's angry."
"Why? Does he think he's the Incredible Hulk or something?" Blair asked very sarcastically.
"Okay, funny man, what do you want to say to your partner, James Ellison?" Elmo asked.
"Who're you and what're you doing with me?" Blair asked instead.
"Elmo, he's not asking the right questions." Ray said dejectedly.
"Elmo? Elmo?" And Blair started laughing until Elmo punched him in the stomach. It's funny how hard it is to laugh while being punched.
"You got something more to say about my name, copper?"
"The name's Sandburg and my partner's going to kick your asses."
"Elmo, he's threatening us. I don't think he can do that as a cop, can he?" Ray asked.
Blair and Elmo looked over at Ray with a very sad look on their faces. Blair knew that he was in big trouble. And Elmo knew that this cop now knew what his name was. And how many Elmo's were there, anyhow?
"I'll make us all some dinner while you guys call Detective Ellison about the ransom." Ray said.
Elmo looked around and said, "Where's the cell phone?"
"You didn't have that on your list, Elmo." Ray said backing away from a very angry Elmo.
"Hey, guys, in my jacket is a cell phone." Blair called out.
"Thanks, man, that saved my butt." Ray said beaming at Blair. Blair was still trying to figure out the situation here.
Ray jumped up and said, "I almost forgot something." Running from the room, he came back about five minutes later carrying a small fake tree with all the trimmings and put it in the corner of the room. "I figured this would be nice for all of us so we'd feel like we were celebrating Christmas together."
"That was really nice, Ray." Blair said, meaning it.
"Now, I'll make dinner. You two make the call. Elmo, don't tell them your name, okay?" Ray said seriously.
So Elmo took his stun gun out and also had Blair's revolver and said, "Now, dial his number and no funny stuff."
"Fine by me. I want to get out of this nightmare as quickly as I can." Blair said.
Blair dialed the number to Jim's cell phone and let it ring twice and finally Jim picked up and said, "Sandburg, this had better be you."
"Nice greeting, Jim. Really nice. Especially when I'm being held for ransom by some maniac's."
Ray jumped up and ran over and said, "Make him say he was kidding. We don't want them to think we're maniac's."
Blair rolled his eyes at Elmo and said, "Jim, I was kidding. I'm being held by two very upstanding citizens that just want money. Right, guys?"
"Elmo, now he knows we're guys." Ray said beginning to pace.
"Ray, knock it off. It doesn't matter if we're guys or not. Settle down."
Little did they both know that Jim could hear every word they were saying and he wrote down, Ray and Elmo. Almost laughing when he heard the names. Blair heard his snickering and said, "I know...I feel the same way."
"What're you talking about, Copper?" Elmo growled out.
"I just told him I missed being at work, that's all." Blair said.
Ray looked over at Blair and said, "What's your name, anyhow?"
Blair said calmly, "I'm Detective Blair Sandburg."
"Now, if I was putting your name on a gift, would I have to put all of that or would Blair Sandburg do?" Ray asked in all seriousness.
"Blair would be fine, Ray. Don't worry about it, though. I won't be here for Christmas." Blair said very kindly thinking this was probably one of the sweetest men he'd met. Scary but sweet.
"It's Christmas in a week, Blair. We'll probably still be here, don't you think?" Ray asked.
"Chief, just whisper the answer. Are you being held ransom by idiots?" Jim asked in shock overhearing the latest developments.
Blair couldn't help it. He started laughing. Elmo glared at him and said, "Think something's funny, copper?" Then Elmo grabbed the phone from Blair and said, "Listen here, Ellison. I want 100,000 bucks in the next week, or we keep him forever. Do you understand?"
"Well, where do you want me to take it?" Jim asked.
"We'll talk about that later on. My partner has dinner made, I have to go. We'll call tomorrow to see if you're getting the money from your dad or not." Elmo said as he hung up the phone.
Blair looked over at him and said, "It really needs to be charged or it won't be working tomorrow."
"Well, do you see a phone charger sitting around here?" Elmo asked.
"No, but we have to get in touch with Ellison tomorrow. You can't if you don't have a cell phone, right?" Blair asked.
"I guess we'll just have to go and steal a new one each day or something." Elmo said shoving Blair back on the cot.
Ray brought their dinner over and they ate in silence. Blair was trying to think of a way to get loose so he could get out of there. But, if nothing else, Elmo did know how to tie a knot. "Do you think I could call my partner tonight and just tell him I'm all right?"
"For Christ's sake. I hate men that fuck men. They are such pansy asses." Elmo said.
"You'll see pansy ass when you see Jim Ellison." Blair said angrily.
"I've seen him. I've been watching him for years, you asshole. You know, when you're gay, that takes on a hole new meaning, eh? Hole new meaning." Elmo started laughing at his own weird joke and Blair smiled at him hoping that would help him get the phone back in his hands. He really wanted to hear Jim's voice once more before the night was out.
Blair looked up and saw Ray walk through the door with packages in his arms. Wrapped and with tags on them. He set them under the tree. He smiled at Blair and said, "I have two for each of us. I know you don't want to be away from your boyfriend so I wanted to get you something. You'll like it, Blair."
"I'm sure I will, Ray. Thank you. It was awfully nice of you to think of me." Blair said calmly. Ray didn't really bother him. Then Elmo sat down next to Blair and said, "Don't go getting all comfy with him. He's nuts, you know?"
Blair nodded his head and said, "So, do you think I could call Jim tonight?"
"Elmo let him. It's his family for god's sake." Ray begged.
"You know, Ray, you're getting to be a big old wuss puss. I really wish you'd knock it off."
Elmo handed the phone to Blair and Blair dialed the number. Jim picked up and said, "Chief?"
"Yeah, they told me I could call and talk to you for awhile." Blair said quietly.
"I love you, baby. You know that right?" Jim asked.
"I know. And you know I do you, too." Blair said back.
"We'll get you out of there. Do they seem to have something against cops in general?" Jim asked.
"No, just one." Blair said.
"Oh shit, it's me?" Jim asked.
"Yup. I wanted to tell you to sleep well and that I'll miss you." Blair said as Elmo was making gagging noises in the background. "Chief, I take it they know about us, as in us being a couple?" Jim asked.
"Yup again." Blair said smiling over at Ray. Ray walked over and grabbed the phone from Blair and said, "Hey, Officer Jim. What're you doing?"
"Well, I'm not doing anything right now. I was just talking to Blair. Could I talk with him again?" Jim asked kindly understanding this guy wasn't playing with a full deck.
"No, I want to talk for awhile first. Blair seems really nice, Jim." Ray said.
"He is nice, Ray. You won't hurt him, right?" Jim asked.
"Not unless he makes me angry." Ray said.
"What would make you angry, Ray?" Jim asked.
"Well, if he would call me names or hit me, I would have to hurt him. I don't let guys do that to me anymore." Ray said sadly.
"Well, then, you're in luck, Ray. He's a nice guy. He doesn't hit me or call me names and sometimes I'm a big old doofus." Jim said laughing.
Ray started laughing and Elmo grabbed the phone from him and said, "Cop, do you want to talk to your fucking partner or not?"
"Yes, I'd like to say goodnight to him." Jim said calmly.
Elmo handed the telephone over to Blair and said, "Talk to him."
"Thanks, Elmo." Blair said and then talked to the phone and said, "Hi, tough guy, what ya wearing?"
Jim started laughing and said, "Blair, don't worry, we'll get you out of this. Simon's tracing this call now. So stay on the line as long as you can and stay calm."
Looking over at Ray, Blair said, "Ray bought me a Christmas present, Jim. He didn't want me to be here without a present. Wasn't that nice?"
"Yeah, that was nice, Chief, but don't let him fool you. He could turn on you. So watch your back. Okay, baby?"
"I always do, Jim, I always do. I love you so much, man." Blair said.
"Did you get kleenex's Ray, cuz wuss puss's going to need them soon. He's a cry baby, I can tell." Elmo said laughing.
"Stop making fun of him, Elmo. It's not nice. You don't like when people make fun of me." Ray said.
"That's different, Ray. You're not all there in the head. Blair is. So don't feel sorry for him. He'll screw you over if he gets the chance." Elmo said evilly.
Ray jumped up and went over and grabbed the phone and said to Jim, "He's not going to screw me. I don't want him to do that. Tell him not to, okay, Jim?"
"That's not what Elmo meant, Ray. So don't worry. Blair only screws me. It's just he and I. No one else." Jim said calming the man down.
Elmo stood over to the side of the room laughing his ass off. "See, Sandburg, he just needs a little push and he goes haywire. Told ya."
"I think you're a very cruel man teasing him. You know he doesn't understand what you're trying to say. Leave him alone." Blair asked.
"Ray, could I talk to my partner again?" Jim asked.
"I don't think so Jim. I'll let him call you in the morning. Bye." Ray said as he hung up the phone.
Blair looked over at the two men and said, "Could I please use the bathroom?"
"I bought a portable one, for us. I'll take him, Elmo." Ray said.
"Fine. But if he even thinks about getting away you stun his ass with this stun gun, ya hear?" Elmo asked.
"Okay, I got it. In fact, we'll leave the portable for us. I'll take Sandburg outside. He's tied up; he can't go anywhere. He can piss on the roof." Ray said helping Blair up off the cot.
He pushed Blair up the stairs as Elmo watched as soon as Elmo walked back in, Ray said, "Shut up and follow me if you know what's good for you."
Blair did what he was asked. He didn't know why but Ray seemed upset about something. Once they were down on the first floor he said, "Jim told me that if I let you go and gave you the cell phone, he wouldn't arrest me."
"And do you think he was telling the truth?" Blair asked.
"No, I knew he wasn't. He said that he misses you and wanted you home for Christmas."
"Ray, Elmo will be very angry with you for letting me go."
"Jim said you'd be worried about that. He was right. I don't understand how you could be in love with a guy, Blair. But he seems to love you and you seem to love him. You should be together."
"Thank you, Ray. Do you want me to help with Elmo?"
"No, he's going to kill me, Blair." Ray said hanging his head.
"Ray, Elmo loves you in his own way. I know he'd never kill you. So don't worry about that, okay?"
"You promise that he won't? He told me if I screw this up, he'd kill me."
"Ray, that's just a figure of speech. So don't worry."
Ray leaned down and undid the ropes that had Sandburg tied. Once he was loose, Ray handed him back his phone and said, "Here you go. Have a Merry Christmas with Jim, Blair."
"Thank you, Ray." Blair said and couldn't help himself. He hugged the man. Then Blair took off running and didn't look back. Cops started surrounding the building about ten minutes later.
Ray walked into the room and Elmo was asleep and he used the stun gun on him to put him out so the cops wouldn't hurt him. Ray didn't want them to shoot Elmo. Ray got rid of the gun and when the cops came through the door, they all started manhandling Ray until Blair came through the door and said, "Stop it. This is the man that saved my life and let me go. You'll treat him with respect and compassion."
Looking at Blair he said, "Your gun's over in the corner. I didn't want Elmo shot and hurt because of it."
"Good thinking, Ray. Very good thinking. Jim and I will come and see you and Elmo on Christmas if that's okay with you?"
"That would be great, Blair. Make sure and take your present home, okay. You'll like it." Ray said smiling.
Elmo started coming around and started fighting the cuffs first thing. "Ray, what the fuck did you do? What did you do to both of us?" Elmo screamed.
"I'm sorry, Elmo, I'm really sorry, but I knew they would hurt you and I didn't want them to do that." Ray said.
Ray turned away from Elmo for a moment and said, "Open your present now, Blair. I think you'll like it."
Blair picked up the present and opened the first one and it was a cell phone. A really nice cell phone. The second package was the charger. Blair looked over at Ray and said, "Thanks so much, Ray, this is a really nice one. Much nicer than mine. I'll love it."
Elmo looked over at the gift and he said to Jim, "Why me? Why me?"
Jim led Elmo out of the building kicking and yelling about cell phones starting the whole thing. Jim kept smiling thinking how this could have been awful but Blair had indeed come in contact with an angel.
Once they got all the information they needed Jim got Blair into his truck and they headed home for the night. Once they were out of the neighborhood, they both started laughing and Blair had tears coming down his cheeks. "Oh God, Jim, you have no idea what this night was like."
Having a hard time breathing from laughing too hard, Jim finally said, "Well, I have the rest of my life to hear about this, take your time. I love you Chief."
Blair held on to Jim's hand and said, "Merry Christmas early, Jim."
"Yes, it will be, baby, it will be." Jim said smiling and driving as fast as he could to get them home for the night.
|
