Conner's Quiz 2
Patt
Another for Sue. So blame her. SusanDanette, in case you want to drop a line and yell at someone. <g>
Have you ever said?????
Conner: "Did you come? " "Because I didn't "
Joel: I would hope that I'd be able to tell.
Jim: I've never asked this.
Blair: I've asked when I wasn't very familiar with the woman I was with. I didn't know her sounds and so on?
Jim: Why not tell us all about it?
Simon: Back off, Jim. He's just answering a question.
Jim: So, he can't use me as an example?
Blair: Jim, baby, I don't know how to tell you this, but I don't ever have to ask if you came. The neighbors know that you came.
Jim: Oh shut up.
Blair: Well they do.
Brown: I've never asked this and I've never said the second part.
Rafe: I've never asked and wouldn't think to ask.
Conner: Rafe, why are you being such an ass?
Rafe: Because I'm sick to death of these stupid surveys and Simon will make us do these until the day we all die.
Conner: Hey, you can leave now. You can all leave if you want.
Blair: I don't want to Conner. I find it all fascinating.
Jim: I do too, Conner.
Rafe: All raise your hands that aren't surprised by the two wuss puss's saying this.
Simon: Jim sit down, he's entitled to his opinion.
Joel: I think that they're interesting too, Conner.
Conner: Thank you guys. Rafe you can leave if you want.
Rafe: No, I'm just in a bad mood.
Conner: What's wrong?
Rafe: I just broke up with someone.
Jim: Gosh, I can't believe that anyone wouldn't want to stay with you forever.
Blair: Jim shut up. Rafe? You okay?
Rafe: No, not really.
Simon: Why don't you go on home?
Rafe: No, I'd rather stay here, sir. It'll keep my mind off it.
Simon: Conner, want to move on now?
Conner: Ever said, "I have something to tell you " "Get tested. "
Joel: Nope.
Jim: No.
Blair: No.
Simon: No
Brown: No.
Rafe: Once.
Conner: Shit, you're kidding? Man, that must have been tough.
Rafe: It was scary, but I've learned you have to look out for yourself since then.
Jim: Well Rafe you can't let that ruin your life and your happiness forever.
Blair: Yeah, what he said.
Joel: Rafe if you need to talk, you know where I live.
Rafe: Well, this was about four years ago, but thanks anyhow.
Simon: Time to move on, Conner.
Conner: Group hug, anyone?
Jim: Nope.
Simon: No.
Blair: I will if anyone else wants to.
Joel: Sure.
Brown: Sure.
Rafe: I guess.
Jim: You guess?
Simon: Okay, group hug, on the count of three. Not to last longer than the count of five. Go.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I'm a Romantic. " but thought, "I'm poor. "
Jim: Hell yes.
Joel: I might have.
Simon: Yes, we've all been there.
Blair: Yeah.
Rafe: I don't think I've ever said this.
Brown: I've said it a few times.
Conner: Wow, this one was downright boring, fella's. Let see if the next one is better.
Simon: Conner if I didn't know better, I'd think you're trying to get us to argue on purpose.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I'll give you a call. " but thought, "I'd rather have my nipples torn off by a wild beast.
Joel: Conner, that one is funny. The picture I'm imagining is making me get weird feelings about everything.
Jim: Yeah, I've thought this. Maybe not the second part, but still.
Blair: I've thought this many times and had it said to me many.
Joel: Blair I can't believe you'd ever have had this said to you.
Blair: Joel, I used to be kind of a horn dog.
Rafe: Used to?
Brown: Yeah, used to?
Jim: Yes, used to. He's not one anymore.
Blair: Jim, I like to think I'll always be one.
Jim: Well maybe you'd like to think about yourself as single.
Blair: Geeze, Jim, get a grip. I'm crazy about you; you know that.
Simon: I've never said it or thought it, now could we move on before we have to listen to these two again?
Conner: Have you ever said, "I never meant to hurt you. " but thought, "I thought you weren't a virgin. "
Joel: Oh man, that's a terrible question. No, I never thought or said it.
Jim: No.
Simon: No
Rafe: I don't think so.
Brown: Well, Bri, you either did or didn't. Which is it?
Rafe: Okay, once. I said it once. I didn't know.
Simon: Nope never said or thought.
Blair: Said it once or twice.
Joel: You've said this more than once?
Jim: Stop while you're ahead, Blair.
Blair: Well, the question is, have you ever said, I never meant to hurt you. I'm answering that one.
Rafe: Oh please tell us you don't say this to Ellison.
Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Not even on your best day. You couldn't reach.
Brown: Man, don't take that sitting down, Sandburg. You need to fuck his brains out to let him know who's boss.
Jim: Okay, this isn't funny.
Brown: Jim, I'm kidding man.
Conner: So tell us Sandy, what do you mean by this?
Blair: Conner, don't you ever hurt anyone? I mean, not always physically.
Conner: Oh I see what you mean. You mean as in break someone's heart or whatever?
Blair: Yes, exactly.
Rafe: Wuss Puss.
Simon: Time to move on, Conner.
Brown: Good cuz for a minute I thought he was going to tell us that he'd hurt Ellison and I wouldn't have believed it.
Blair: Well...
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Simon: You've hurt Jim? More than once?
Blair: Well maybe a few times.
Jim: Shut up Blair.
Joel: You don't mean physically, right?
Blair: Well...
Jim: Please shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: No, I meant I hurt him in other ways. Now lets move on.
Joel: Jim, it's okay to be hurt either way.
Jim: I don't want to fucking talk about this now.
Simon: Conner, please I beg of you, move this along.
Conner: Have you ever said, "Trust me. " but thought, "Let's keep this between you and me, pumpkin."
Joel: Never.
Brown: Never.
Jim: Never.
Simon: Never.
Rafe: Maybe once.
Blair: A couple of times.
Joel: Blair, please tell us you don't do this any longer.
Blair: Hey, the question is, have you ever said, Trust me? Well, I say that a lot.
Jim: Sandburg, stop right now.
Blair: Well, I'm just answering the fucking question. What's the big deal?
Conner: Sandy, the question is almost a two fold one. You have to ask and think it. Have you ever thought that when you were with Jim?
Jim: Excuse me; he never said a word about me.
Simon: We all know he says trust me to you, Jim.
Jim: Conner, could we please move on.
Joel: Oh that's right, Jim tells him it's the two scariest words in the English language.
Simon: Gotta love Sandburg, don't ya?
Brown: He is funny.
Rafe: I thought this was a serious question. How was it turned around to he's cute and funny?
Jim: Get a grip, Rafe.
Rafe: You wish, Ellison.
Simon: I'm not going to tell you two to settle down again. Jim, the next time you go for him, I'm going to shove you back into your seat and you'll not be doing anything for a good long while.
Brown: Man, that's too funny, Simon.
Blair: Simon just made a gay joke. Cool, man.
Simon: Conner, please move this along.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I love you. " but thought, "God what have I gotten myself into?"
Joel: I might have thought that once.
Jim: I've never thought that.
Blair: I've thought it a few times.
Simon: Jim, get the hurt look off your face.
Brown: I'm sure he's talking about some wild woman he was with before you.
Conner: Sandy, did you ever feel that way about Jim?
Jim: I don't want to know.
Blair: Jim, settle down.
Rafe: Hey, this is getting good.
Brown: Shut up, Rafe.
Rafe: So did you feel trapped when he first fucked you or something and just said that to appease him?
Simon: Rafe, I can't believe you just asked that.
Rafe: Why? I bet you're all thinking it.
Conner: We might be, but we wouldn't have asked it. Jim, please don't be upset.
Blair: Yeah, I've thought it a few times with you, Jim. You have a way of making a person question how they feel now and then. Like right now. However, I love you, you know I do. At first, I was a little scared.
Rafe: Oh isn't that fucking cute?
Jim: Rafe, I kid you not, learn to shut the fuck up, or I'll never speak to you again.
Blair: Jim, I love you. You know that, right?
Jim: So how do I know you're not just saying it now?
Rafe: Man, stop it. Jesus, Simon. Make them stop kissing.
Simon: Hey I think Jim needed that.
Blair: Got that big man?
Jim: Got it.
Joel: You two are so romantic, it depresses us normal folks.
Jim: Thanks, Joel.
Rafe: Wuss Puss alert. It's spreading.
Brown: Hey I think they're cute too.
Simon: Rafe, you might be right. We'll have shirts made. We survived the Wuss Puss Sessions and lived to tell about it.
Jim: Thanks a lot Simon.
Simon: You're welcome. Now lets move on.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I think we should just be friends." but thought. "You're ugly. "
Jim: I've said let's be friends, but never because of how someone looked.
Blair: Same here.
Joel: I agree with you.
Simon: Nope, never said it or thought it.
Brown: My Mama would kick my ass.
Rafe: How come you're such a mama's boy?
Simon: If you know what's good for you Rafe, you won't bring Henry's mom into this.
Brown: That's okay. Let him, I'd love to kick his ass.
Rafe: Geeze, what a bunch of grouches. I've never said it.
Conner: Wait a minute. Simon, Brown and Rafe, you've never said, "Lets just be friends?"
Rafe: Oh yeah, I've said that. I've never said, "You're ugly."
Simon: I can't believe you just said that, Rafe.
Brown: I've never felt comfortable enough with anyone after breaking up to be friends with them.
Simon: I feel the same way. While the going is good, let's go.
Conner: Have you ever said, "Haven't I seen you before?" but thought, "Nice ass. "
Jim: (choke...choke...choke...)
Simon: Are you okay, Jim?
Blair: He'll be fine. He's in shock, because I said that exact same thing last night.
Rafe: (choke...choke...choke...) Warn a person before you say something like that, Sandburg.
Jim: Sandburg, I'm going to kick that fine ass of yours.
Brown: You guys are just too cute.
Joel: That's usually my line, Brown. I do believe that these guys are growing on you.
Brown: Yeah, well, it takes awhile to get used to the idea, but once you do, they're fucking cute.
Jim: Oh goody, they think we're fucking cute.
Blair: Jim, you tell me all the time that I fuck cute.
Jim: Stop now.
Blair: Okay, boss man.
Simon: Good save, Ellison.
Rafe: too late. We all heard what he said.
Conner: Does it bother you to hear talk like that Rafe? Do you suppose that it's because you're insecure and afraid that someone will come on to you.
Jim: (Choke...choke...choke...)
Simon: That's enough Jim. You're scaring me here.
Conner: Sorry Jim.
Jim: Warn a person next time.
Rafe: What? You think no one would come on to me.
Jim: Yup, that's what we think.
Blair: I know no one would. You're an ass. We need more than an ass.
Jim: Good one, Chief.
Rafe: Ewwwwww
Simon: Conner, can we get to the next one.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I want to make love." but thought, "I want to make love."
Jim: All the time.
Joel: That's so nice.
Conner: You are a romantic. Sandy is he always like this?
Blair: Yup. Moreover, I say and mean it too.
Joel: OH yeah, I do too.
Rafe: I've never told anyone I really love them.
Jim: What do you say, Rafe? I almost love you?
Rafe: Fuck you, Ellison.
Jim: What do you say?
Rafe: I don't say anything like that. I might think it, but I don't say it.
Brown: That's too bad, Rafe. I say it often and I love saying it.
Simon: I haven't said it in a long time. But hope to one of these days.
Blair: Oh man, Simon is a hopeful romantic.
Simon: Conner, time for the next one. I'm getting tired of this.
Conner: Have you ever said, "Was it good for you?" but meant, "I'm insecure about my manhood."
Jim: Hell yes.
Joel: Yes, same here.
Brown: Glad to hear it wasn't just me.
Simon: Yes, me too.
Blair: Jim, is that what you mean when you say that?
Jim: (choke...choke...choke...)
Simon: Okay, Sandburg, enough is enough.
Blair: I was serious.
Jim: Chief, please stop the joking.
Conner: Sandy, does he ask this and not even realize it?
Blair: I guess so.
Jim: I do not ask that.
Blair: You do too. Swear to them that you've never said it.
Jim: Fine, maybe I've said it once, but that's not what I meant.
Blair: We'll talk about it later, Jim.
Joel: Jim, it's not that unusual.
Jim: I don't say it to Sandburg.
Blair: Yes you do, Jim.
Simon: Sandburg, we don't want to know everything about you and Jim.
Blair: Fine.
Conner: Sandy, don't be upset.
Jim: Chief, we'll talk later, okay?
Blair: Go fuck yourself, Jim.
Simon: Conner, I see this going down the drain fast.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I feel it's time to express our love for each other" but thought, "Give me head. "
Simon: Well, we'll be hearing this from the dynamic duo soon.
Jim: Fuck you, Simon.
Joel: No, I've never said this. But I might have thought it.
Brown: I might have done both. Said and thought.
Rafe: Finally, one I can say I truly answered. I've done both too.
Blair: He thinks it's something to be proud of.
Rafe: Why don't you answer, my fairy boy.
Jim: Shut the fuck up, Rafe.
Rafe: He can fight his own battles, Ellison.
Blair: Yeah.
Conner: So Sandy, what about the question?
Blair: I've said and thought both. Don't you be giving me those go to hell looks Ellison. I'm not proud of it. But yes, I thought and said them.
Joel: But never to Jim, right?
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Blair: You can't tell me what to do, Ellison. Yes, I've done both to him.
Brown: Low blow, Hairboy.
Blair: Hey, it was before I realized how much I loved the big lug.
Rafe: So like now you never think it or say it?
Blair: No, I don't. Now if I want head, I ask for it.
Rafe: Geeze, why do I leave myself open for this?
Conner: Jim, I think it's sweet, that he now feels open enough to be able to ask things in your relationship.
Jim: You don't have to try to fix everything, Conner. Some things aren't ever going to be fixed.
Blair: You dumping me, Jim?
Jim: Maybe.
Rafe: All right, Jim. We'll get you back on the horse in no time.
Simon: Jim come on back here. I'll be right back. Sandburg, stay here. You've done enough.
Blair: Rafe, you go in there and tell him you didn't mean that.
Rafe: Didn't mean what?
Blair: About him getting right back on the horse.
Rafe: But I did, Hairboy.
Joel: Blair, things will work out. Don't worry so much.
Blair: Man, I fucked up bad. I've never seen him look that sad.
Conner: Shit, this is going to piss me off big time. This was meant to learn things about you all, not tear Sandy and Jim apart.
Simon: Okay, everyone, Jim's coming back and we're going to leave he and Blair alone to talk. Therefore, lets leave them alone. Now, people.
Jim: I'm sorry, baby.
Blair: Jim, you're not the one who was an ass. I'm so sorry. I love you more than life itself.
Jim: I'm an insecure twit. I'm truly sorry for that. I think that sometimes you deserve better.
Blair: I won't have my man talking about himself that way. Jim, I want to go home and have you make love to me all night long.
Jim: You're got a deal. (Smooching noises.)
Simon: Okay, our work is done, folks. Let's go home.
Conner: God, that was scary for a second.
Simon: Nah, they're too perfect for each other. They just need to be reminded sometimes.
Rafe: Yeah, they are pretty cute together.
Conner: Rafe, I still have my tape recorder on.
Rafe: And?
Conner: I'm going to tell Jim and Sandy.
Joel: Let's leave them alone and go home.
Brown: I don't know about anyone else, but I don't want to be alone right now. Anyone want to go out for dessert and coffee?
Conner: You're on.
Joel: Sounds good to me.
Rafe: Yeah, count me in.
Simon: Okay, looks like we'll all meet up at Millers Coffee Shop. See you there.
Rafe: Night Jim and Blair.
Simon: Night Ellison and Sandburg.
Joel: Night Ellison and Blair.
Conner: Night Sandy and Jimbo.
Brown: Night Ellison and Hairboy.
Enter supporting content here Conner's Quiz 3
Real Men Always Answer 'C'...
Thanks so much to Margaret in Arizona. <g>
"Guys, I'm going to ask you these questions, you each give me your answer and I'll keep track for the end. Okay?" Conner said as she smiled thinking about the torment she could cause with this one.
1.) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you
with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of
curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy,
wiping out hunger and poverty, and
permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire
Earth. You decide to:
<> A: Present it to local Government Officials.
<> B: Present it only to the President of the U.S.
C: Take it apart.
Joel: Well, it's gotta be C, because you can't give something to the president if you don't know how it works or what it will do. Right?
Simon: I think C, also.
Jim: I agree. I wouldn't hand it over to them for anything.
Blair: Are you guys frigging nuts? You're going to take apart something that was given to us but a superior species and destroy it? I'd give it to the government. They'd know what to do.
Rafe: Sandburg, don't you watch X-files?
Brown: Yeah, we'd never see it again. Unless of course it made money for someone in government.
Blair: You all are much too cautious. I trust the government to a certain extent.
Jim: Believe me, I don't trust them at all, with good reason.
Conner: Okay, guys, we'll move on to the next one.
2.) As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you
miss the most?
<> A: Innocence.
<> B: Idealism.
C: Cherry bombs.
Joel: God, I haven't thought about Cherry Bombs in years.
Jim: They were always the coolest things. I say, C also.
Simon: Well, I think perhaps I agree again. I was never that innocent and I never had any ideals.
Rafe: Man, we're all agreeing here. What's up with that. I say C, also.
Brown: I'll say C, only because like Simon, I don't think I had the other two to start with.
Blair: Well, you guys are nut jobs. I say I miss my Idealism the most. B for me.
3.) In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
<> A: A cat.
<> B: A dog.
C: A dog that eats cats.
Joel: Oh that is such a funny one. I'll go with C. I'm not a big cat person.
Jim: Me either.
Blair: Jim, what the fuck are you talking about? You are a cat person. I'll say A.
Jim: Blair, this is my question and I say C. I like that answer better than A.
Brown: Definitely C.
Rafe: C cracks me up. I'll go that way too.
Simon: Well, I don't want to be in with Sandburg, so I'll go with C, too.
4.) You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive
and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely
Sunday afternoon the two
of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's
reading the papers. Suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you
that she thinks she really loves
you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where
your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want
to get married; only
whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What
do you say?
<> A: That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but
you don't want to rush it.
<> B: That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot
honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting
commitment, and you don't
want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C: That you cannot believe the Packers called a draw play on third
and seventeen.
Jim: Only a woman would choose to discuss something like that during a football game. I'll go with C.
Brown: I gotta agree with Jim here. C, all the way.
Rafe: C for me too.
Simon: C again.
Joel: Well, although I think maybe one of the others might have been better, I can't believe someone would choose to discuss that during a game.
Blair: Hello? Is anyone home? You're all missing the fucking point. She wants to know if there is a future. She could give a fuck about the football game.
Jim: See, that's why I date Sandburg.
Blair: Jim, I don't agree with you. I say A.
Jim: I can't believe you would discuss this during football season.
Blair: I can't believe you wouldn't.
5.) Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you
want to spend the rest of your life with her - sharing the joys and
the sorrows the world has to
offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
<> A: You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
<> B: You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her
name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair
and the stars in her eyes,
you tell her.
C: Tell her what?
Joel: Okay, I'm totally lost here. I don't know what you would have to tell her. If she's smart she'll know.
Jim: I say C, also.
Blair: I don't fucking believe this, Jim. I'm going to break up with you if you don't straighten up.
Jim: Take a chill pill, Chief.
Rafe: I say, C also.
Brown: Hell I forgot the question. But I'll go with C since you all are.
Blair: Hello, I'm not. I'm going to go with B.
Simon: B? B? Sandburg, you act like a fucking fag. Oh yeah, you are. Sorry. Jim, I don't know how you can stand this touchy feely crap all the time.
Jim: Chief, you know that you might go with one of the other answers.
Blair: Ellison, you're never getting fucked again. Do you understand that one, big man?
6.) One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you
to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to
her is:
<> A: "Do they need to eat or anything?"
<> B: "They're in school already?"
C: "There are three of them?"
Joel: God, you have to love that last one. That's funny.
Jim: Of course I wouldn't say C. I mean, I would know that we had three kids. So I guess I'd go with A.
Rafe: Ellison, you're such a wuss puss. I'm going with C. It's funnier.
Brown: Yeah, it's funnier.
Simon: Okay, this one is past stupid. I mean, even I wouldn't ask any of those questions. So I guess I'll go with A.
Blair: You're all fruit loops. All of the answers are stupid. I wouldn't answer this one at all.
Jim: But Chief, we're supposed to answer all of them, Conner said.
Blair: And do you jump off a bridge when she tells you to?
Jim: You don't have to be so shitty, Chief.
Blair: You haven't seen shitty yet, hot shot.
7.) When is it okay to throw away a set of aged underwear?
<> A: When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new
holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally
intended for your legs.
<> B: When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules
and has to be handled with tweezers.
<> C: It is never okay to throw away underwear. A real guy checks the
garbage regularly in case somebody (and we are not naming names, but
this would be his wife)
is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly
jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship
with it than with her.
Jim: Man, I can't believe this question is on here. Chief, you know that I have to check to see if you do this.
Blair: Yes, you do. God, I'm so fucking depressed.
Jim: So, anyhow, my answer is C.
Joel: Mine is too.
Simon: I think C also.
Rafe: I never really thought about it, but hate to be the only one not saying C.
Brown: I don't believe I've ever thrown any out.
Jim: Chief, do you hear that. I'm not the only one that holds on to his underwear.
Blair: Well, good, I hope you and your undies will be very happy all alone, you fucking loon. What I can't believe is that there are this many questions that you guys all agree with. Ellison, I still mean what I said earlier.
8.) What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the
fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years
before they finally got to the
Promised Land?
<> A: He was being tested.
<> B: He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they
finally got there.
C: He refused to ask for directions.
Jim: You know everyone makes jokes about this, but I hate to ask directions. It's like giving in. And just think, if they'd have given in, they'd be written up as wusses in the Bible.
Blair: Jim, I'm in total shock now. I mean, I can't believe I thought I loved you.
Jim: Jesus, Blair, take a breather.
Simon: I agree with Ellison. It would have changed everything.
Blair: Hello, are you all nuts?
Rafe: Sandburg, they're right. It would have changed things. The Bible might never have been written.
Brown: Yeah, I would say, C, also.
Blair: You guys are nuts. I'm telling you. The correct answer is A.
Jim: The correct answer is not A. Like you know. Blair, you get lost all the time. How many times have you stopped and asked for directions?
Blair: I wasn't' in the desert and leading people to the promised land either.
Jim: You can evade a question like no one else.
Simon: Sandburg, quit pulling your hair out. If you lose it, you'll look just like Jim.
9.) What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
<> A: Democracy.
<> B: Religion.
C: TV remote control.
Joel: Have you seen those new remotes, that control all of your equipment? That's what I want to invest in. One that runs the stereo, the VCR and the Television.
Jim: Yeah, C sounds good to me too.
Simon: Well, I realize that to Sandburg it won't be much, but those remotes are nice. Very nice.
Brown: Okay, I have to go with C, too. I just got one, Joel and it's great.
Joel: Tell me later and you can help me pick one out and set it up.
Rafe: I have one too. Henry and I shopped together that day. They're great, Joel.
Blair: I don't fucking believe any of you. You're all insane. The answer is A. To some it might even be B. But never C. Jesus, what a bunch of losers, Conner please tell us what these mean.
Conner: Well what it means is Sandy is the only man among you that has a mind of his own and can think rational thoughts.
Jim: Oh that's fucking bullshit.
Joel: Yeah, what he said.
Simon: Conner do you actually have something that says that? Or did you just make it up as you went along.
Conner: I have the answer right here, Simon.
Rafe: Well, it's stupid. Blair is a wuss. That's what it should say.
Brown: I think it should say that we all agree to disagree. But it shouldn't say we don't have rational thoughts. We do, sometimes.
Blair: Conner, I can't believe that they don't see this as a bad thing. God, its fucking scary.
Conner: It's scary all right. But it's going to be worse for poor Jim. Want to stay at my apartment for awhile, Sandy?
Blair: Yeah, that would be great. Thanks.
Jim: Chief, I'm sorry. I'll do it over again and do it right. Like you want me to.
Rafe: Oh god, this is just depressing to witness.
Blair: Rafe, I won't be helping you fix your computer this weekend and never again at work either.
Rafe: Okay, I think you should start over again, Conner.
Brown: You are both wusses. He doesn't hold anything over my head.
Blair: Yeah, that's right, Brown. I was going to introduce you to our new neighbor that I was telling you about. But that's okay.
Brown: Shit. Okay, I'll vote for starting over.
Joel: Blair? Are you still going to make chili this weekend for me?
Blair: No.
Joel: Okay, it will only take a few minutes to answer the questions right.
Simon: Jesus, I can't believe the control this man has over all of you. It's pathetic.
Blair: Oh Simon, I talked to that guy about the cigars, but I'll tell him to forget it.
Simon: Fuck... Fine, lets start over again, Conner.
Conner: Okay, once more from the start, who is the wuss puss and who isn't?
Conner's Quiz 4
Patt
Have you ever said, but thought?
Conner: Have you ever said, "We need to talk." but thought, "I'm pregnant."
Joel: Nope, I've never said this or thought it.
Conner: But Joel has anyone ever said it to you, and you wondered about it?
Joel: Nope.
Jim: I've never said it or thought it, but I once thought that someone was going to say this to me.
Brown: Man, is Sandburg pregnant?
Rafe: You know, now that you mention it, he's put on a little bit of weight.
Blair: Very funny guys.
Simon: I've never said this, but I heard it once and that was enough.
Jim: Simon stop trying to be so tough, you know that Daryl is the best thing that ever happened to you.
Simon: Who said I was talking about Joan?
Jim: Oh. Sorry.
Blair: Man, we're going to have our eye on you now, Simon.
Conner: Okay, Brown and Rafe you didn't answer. I need answers from all of you. Actually, neither did you, Sandy. Out with it guys.
Blair: No, I've never said it or thought it. I also never thought about someone saying it to me. I'm super safe.
Jim: Sandburg, why would you have to be super safe now?
Blair: Ellison, I was talking about women, not you.
Brown: I never thought this, but once someone said it to me and I panicked for a moment. We had unprotected sex and it came back to haunt us.
Rafe: I'm always safe, so I would never have to say it or hear it.
Jim: It must be so wonderful to be perfect, Rafe.
Rafe: It is, Ellison. Want me to give you lessons?
Blair: No you're not teaching him to be more anal.
Simon: I have to agree with Blair on this one. Jesus, can't you just see Ellison after a week with Rafe?
Jim: Excuse me? Why are you talking about us like we're not here?
Blair: Because we want you both to leave? Just kidding, hot stuff. You too, Jim.
Simon: Wow, this one is going well Conner, move on while we're ahead.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I had a wonderful time last night." but thought, "Who the hell are you?"
Joel: Oh God, wouldn't that be awful to be that far gone. No, I've never said it or thought it.
Simon: I agree with Joel on this one.
Jim: I might have said the first part. However, I never thought the second.
Blair: Jim, the whole idea is for you to say and thing the two together. Otherwise, it would be all of us. I mean, we all said I had a wonderful time last night.
Conner: Yeah, Jim, they go together.
Jim: Fine, change the fucking rules, I don't care. Okay, I've never said it and thought it together. But I did have a good time last night.
Rafe: Ewwwwww
Brown: God, I was hoping we could get into at least four of these babies before you start teasing us.
Jim: Sorry Brown. I'll be good.
Blair: I've never said it and thought it at the same time. In addition, Jim, I had a great time last night too.
Simon: Okay, this isn't the fucking dating game, men.
Joel: Well, I for one find it refreshing to have them talk sweet to each other.
Conner: So do I.
Rafe: You would Conner. You're such a fucking romantic.
Jim: She's a hopeful Romantic. There's a difference.
Conner: Thanks, Jim.
Jim: No problem Conner.
Simon: Are we done?
Conner: Have you ever said, "I've been thinking a lot..." but thought, "You're not as attractive as when I was drunk."
Jim: Nope.
Joel: Me either.
Simon: That makes us three for three.
Rafe: I might have thought the last part a couple of times.
Brown: Man, you are a sleaze sometimes.
Rafe: Hey, Conner said she wanted truthful answers. That's what she's getting.
Blair: I thought it once.
Jim: You must to be fucking kidding. Mr. I don't care about looks?
Blair: We all have some dark areas in our lives. That's one of mine. I'm not proud of it.
Brown: Was it anyone we know?
Blair: I'm not telling.
Rafe: Shit, you thought that about Jim the first time, didn't you? Holy shit.
Blair: I didn't say that.
Brown: Well, you didn't not say it.
Blair: Well, I'm not saying it now. I wasn't talking about Jim. Jim, stop grinding your teeth.
Jim: I'm still trying to figure out how you could even think that, Chief. You're the most sensitive man I've even met in my life. This blows me away.
Blair: Jim, I'll blow you away later. Now lets move on.
Rafe: Jesus, stop the gag me with a spoon talk.
Simon: Conner, there is a break in the action. Let's move on.
Conner: Have you ever asked, "I've learned a lot from you." But thought, "Next!"
Joel: No, never.
Jim: Is it just me, or are these questions getting cruder?
Conner: Hey Jim, shut up. Just answer them, don't rate them.
Blair: I've never said or thought it.
Rafe: Hairboy, you used to do this all the time. We used to joke about it.
Brown: Yeah, you were pretty easy with the women. Love em and leave em Sandburg.
Jim: Well, he's mended his ways.
Blair: I didn't have to mend my ways, Jim. I was fine. You slept with as many people as I did. Mine just weren't as exciting because they weren't criminals.
Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Blair: Not tonight, big boy.
Joel: Okay, guys, lets not fight. Let's get along tonight. Conner, I've never said this or thought it.
Simon: Me either. Could we get this over with quick? I have a date.
Jim: With who?
Simon: None of your business.
Blair: Simon has a secret. Simon has a secret. Simon has a secret.
Simon: Sandburg, are you four?
Blair: Well you'll have to ask Jim, but I'm certain I'm longer than that.
Rafe: Jesus, now the inches jokes? Come on.
Brown: Hey Sandburg, that was funny, now Ellison, is he?
Jim: I don't kiss and tell.
Blair: Well, I don't mind, Jim. Really.
Jim: No really I don't tell.
Blair: Well, you know those inches? They're not going to be in you for a long time, man.
Jim: He's way more than four inches. Way more.
Simon: It's nice to see who wears the pants in this relationship.
Blair: Man, how does he know that you go commando, Jim?
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Simon: Could we move quickly before we get sick?
Conner: Not until you tell us who the date is with.
Simon: Fine, it's the new DA. She asked me out.
Conner: Way to go, Simon. She's fine.
Jim: She is fine, Simon. Have fun.
Blair: Why were you checking her out Jim?
Jim: I'm not dead, Chief.
Blair: You might be soon.
Simon: Conner, now would be a good time to move on.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I want a commitment." but thought, "I'm sick of masturbation."
Joel: I'm ashamed to say, yes and yes.
Jim: Me too.
Brown: Oh oh. Sandburg looks pissed off.
Blair: So, was this recently when you said and thought it?
Jim: Well I don't remember the date exactly.
Blair: Jim, you either said it since we've been together or not.
Jim: I might have.
Simon: Are we almost ready to leave, guys?
Conner: Simon, we just started.
Rafe: This is getting good. So Ellison, you didn't really love Hairboy, you just wanted sex?
Jim: Fuck you, Rafe. I've always loved him. He knows that.
Blair: Then what in the hell do you mean by saying this?
Jim: I don't know.
Blair: Fuck you, Ellison.
You could hear a coin drop on the floor. Pure silence as Jim started to stalk his prey. Blair kept moving away from Jim, not knowing what to expect from the larger man. What happened wasn't what he expected at all. Jim's arms went around him and the younger man could feel Jim shaking and trying to control himself. Blair wasn't quite certain of what he should do next. He did what he thought would work for either of them, and put his arms around the tall man and pulled him even closer. They stayed that way, just holding each other for a long while. Finally, Blair trusted himself to whisper to Jim. "Baby, I love you so much. You'll never know how much."
Jim kept his face pushed into Blair's neck and the he could hear Jim's hitches in his breath. He knew better than to say or do anything more. He just needed to give Jim some time to collect himself. Finally after about ten minutes of pure silence, Jim pulled away and kissed Blair. It was one of those kisses that curled his toes. God, what this man could do to him.
There was a cough, followed by Simon saying, "We're still in the room, guys."
"Blair, buy me some time until I get back." Jim pleaded with red, swollen, eyes.
Jim headed down to the restroom and Blair walked over to the rest of the gang and said, "Jim said to start without him. He'll be back soon."
Simon: Is Jim all right?
Blair: Yeah, he's fine, Simon. Don't worry. I scared him. I seem to do that a lot these days.
Joel: Well stop it. I would just die if you two broke up.
Blair: Thanks, Joel.
Conner: Same here, Sandy. We love you guys. You're much more important that some stupid Survey.
Blair: Thanks, Conner. But we're fine. I just got carried away and Jim is insecure sometimes.
Rafe: Want me to go and make sure he's all right?
Blair: No, thanks anyhow. He'll be right out. He said to start.
Brown: We're sorry we were pushing you two around tonight.
Blair: Really, it's okay.
Simon: Conner, why don't we go to the next one and see what we can possibly do with that one.
Jim: Hey did I miss anything important?
Simon: No, we were just about to start.
Conner: Have you ever said, "I think we should see other people." But thought, "I have been seeing other people."
Joel: No, I don't believe in that.
Simon: I'm not into it either.
Blair: I've said it in my wilder days, but not now.
Jim: Good.
Blair: Well, wild man, did you ever say it or think that?
Jim: No.
Rafe: I've said it and thought it. But I might reconsider.
Brown: Wow, why is that? You've never been a one-woman guy before.
Rafe: I'm tired of the running around. I would like to settle down.
Brown: Anyone have a thermometer? I think Rafe is running a fever.
Rafe: That was so funny, I almost forgot to laugh.
Jim: Well, it's nice when you have one person to come home to. I know I like it.
Conner: I want it. I really do.
Jim: Then don't settle for anything less.
Simon: Yeah, this is from the most married man in the room.
Jim: You know that it could be that way for any of you, if you worked at it. I didn't use to work at it.
Simon: Conner, I feel a lecture on moving on, coming up.
Conner: Did you ever say, "Let's get married." But thought, "Does that mean we can do it now?"
Joel: I think I did once.
Jim: I might have, years ago.
Blair: I know I did years ago.
Simon: I know I did too.
Rafe: Count me in.
Brown: Yeah, once is enough. I said it and thought it once.
Simon: Men, this is the first one that we've all agreed on. My god, will wonders never cease?
Conner: Have you ever said, "We don't have to do anything until you're ready" But thought, "Put out or get out."
Joel: God, I hate to admit this, but once when I was young, I thought this. I didn't say it, but thinking it was bad enough.
Jim: Yeah, I thought it a few times.
Blair: With me, hot stuff?
Jim: Yeah, with you.
Blair: Goody.
Conner: You two are just too fucking cute.
Simon: I've said it and thought it.
Brown: I don't think I've ever said it or thought it.
Rafe: I've done both, many times. Things have to change.
Simon: Wow, lets move on, what do you say?
Conner: Have you ever said, "I still think about you." But thought, "I miss the sex."
Jim: Yeah, I said that a few times after my divorce. I think that might be normal.
Conner: I think it would be too.
Rafe: I say and think this all the time.
Simon: Yeah, I did and said this after Joan and I split up. I got over it.
Brown: I've said this and thought it.
Blair: I've never said this and meant something else. However, I have said it.
Joel: I've said this a few times and thought it too.
Conner: Have you ever had someone ask you, "Is there something wrong?" "Or is it supposed to be this soft?"
Joel: Man, that's a scary one. No, I've never been asked this.
Jim: Maybe once.
Blair: You're joking?
Jim: I was drunk.
Blair: Jim, I think that you take this telling the truth thing way too seriously.
Simon: Yeah, I was drunk once too.
Joel: Fine if you're going to tell the truth, I will too. I had it happen a couple of times, but I don't remember what it was. I don't think I was drunk.
Blair: Joel, do I have to give you a talk about always telling the truth too?
Rafe: Thank god, no.
Brown: Same here.
Jim: You've never had it happen?
Rafe: No, never.
Blair: It happened to me once.
Brown: With Jim or a woman?
Jim: Jesus, don't answer that Chief.
Blair: Okay, maybe twice.
Jim: I think now would be a good time to move on, Conner.
Conner: Blair, you're the youngest, and you're telling me that twice you couldn't get it up?
Blair: Hey, you asked, I'm telling the truth. I didn't know I was going to be badgered.
Brown: So what makes it happen, Hairboy?
Blair: Both times I was upset.
Jim: I'm almost ready to go home.
Rafe: OH man, it was with Jim, wasn't it?
Blair: I'm not saying.
Simon: Conner, please move this along.
Conner: Have you ever said, "You're so mature." But thought, "I hope you're eighteen."
Rafe: Hell yes.
Brown: I've wondered it.
Joel: Thank god, no.
Jim: No.
Simon: No.
Blair: Yeah, I've said and wondered many times.
Joel: Blair you'd sleep with someone you weren't certain was 18?
Blair: Not now, Joel. However, I was 17 at the time.
Conner: Oh Sandy, you are so cute.
Jim: Conner stop telling him that, he'll get a big head.
Blair: You've always said you liked my head.
Simon: Conner please?
Conner: Have you ever said, "Yes...YES...(SCREAM!!)." but thought, "Aren't you done yet?"
Joel: No.
Jim: No.
Blair: Yeah a couple of times.
Jim: Lately?
Blair: Jim, get a grip.
Simon: I don't even want to go there. No, I've never said it or thought it.
Rafe: Yeah, I said it once.
Blair: What do you mean you said it once?
Rafe: We don't have to give examples do we?
Blair: Conner, tell him he has to give examples.
Conner: Rafe, you started it. Finish it.
Rafe: Fine when I was 17; I let a guy fuck me. Happy now?
Brown: Holy shit, Rafe.
Rafe: Kidding, I was kidding.
Brown: You better be kidding.
Jim: Why? Why had he better be kidding?
Brown: Because if someone hurt him and he didn't tell me about it, I'd kick his ass.
Jim: Oh, all right.
Rafe: I was joking you guys.
Simon: Good, I'm glad to hear it. Now what is your answer?
Rafe: No.
Jim: Rafe, I want to talk to you later.
Rafe: I was joking, Ellison. Save your over protectiveness for Sandburg.
Conner: Okay, guys, thanks a lot. I'm getting so much information from all of you, it isn't even funny. I adore you all.
Conner's Quiz 5
Patt
THE LAST THING ANY MAN WOULD EVER SAY:
Conner: I think Barry Manilow is one cool motherfucker.
Joel: Hey, I think Barry Manilow has a lovely voice.
Simon: Joel, I'm going to have you reprogrammed.
Joel: Doesn't anyone else like him?
Jim: Joel, Blair doesn't even like him.
Blair: Hey, what do you mean by that?
Jim: I mean, you'll listen to just about anything and you don't listen to him, so that's bad.
Rafe: I don't' mind him.
Joel: Oh god, I do need to be reprogrammed.
Rafe: Why are you insulting me, Joel? I'm agreeing with you.
Brown: Okay, I have to say that I think you're all nuts. Now someone want to tell me who Barry Manilow is. Hey Ellison, stop throwing things at me.
Blair: Good one, Brown.
Conner: While I'm up, can I get you a beer?
Blair: Well Jim says that to me, all the time.
Jim: You say it to me, too.
Blair: I guess I do.
Rafe: Jesus, the wuss puss's are back in force and we just started.
Brown: Wait a minute. I don't understand why this would make them wusses.
Rafe: Because if you're a real man, you'll get up and get your own drink.
Simon: Now, Brian, did you read this in some, Real Men book?
Rafe: Simon, laugh all you want, but it's true. Real men, don't ask another man if they'd like something while they're up.
Joel: Well, I ask this of anyone that comes into my home, and I consider myself a real man, Rafe.
Rafe: Well, I don't know how to tell you this, but since you've been hanging out with Blair and Jim, you've been acting less and less like a real man.
Jim: Rafe, I can't believe you're saying that to Joel. Say it to me if you want, but not Joel.
Joel: Jim, don't worry about me. Real men can fight their own battles. So we're all on our own.
Blair: Hey, I like that, Joel.
Simon: I would ask someone if they wanted something while I was up.
Rafe: God, Simon, even you are turning into a wuss.
Simon: Do I have to remind you again, who the boss is, Rafe?
Rafe: Simon, you can't keep threatening me with that. It's just not right.
Simon: Well, real men can take it.
Jim: (high five-ing Simon) Good one, Simon.
Simon: I don't get paid those mediocre bucks for nothing.
Conner: I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Simon: All right, Conner, why in the hell would that be in the survey?
Conner: Simon, why not? The whole idea is things you wouldn't say.
Blair: Well some of us might thing they're sexy.
Simon: Conner, I'm going to make you pay for this, and pay for it big time.
Conner: Simon, who would know that Blair would answer it with that?
Blair: Well, it's the truth. Haven't you ever seen a movie and thought, god, that guy has a nice ass?
Joel: Not that I remember.
Brown: I would remember. No, I've never said that, or thought it.
Rafe: God, I can't believe we're only three questions into this and already Blair's talking about Jim's ass.
Jim: I'll have you know, he's not talking about mine.
Simon: Well, Ellison, you're taking that really well then.
Blair: Well of course he is because...
Jim: Shut up, Blair.
Simon: Excuse me, Jim, but I think this is a free country. He's allowed to talk if he wants to.
Jim: Not if he wants to go home with me, Simon.
Blair: Are you threatening me? Like you could withhold sex for any length of time. He's a slut.
Jim: Blair, I'm warning you, shut up.
Rafe: So tell us Hairboy, why wouldn't you have been talking about Jim's ass before?
Blair: Cuz.
Jim: I swear, Sandburg, I'll stop talking to you.
Blair: Fine. I was kidding.
Rafe: Holy Shit. I bet Ellison shaves his ass all nice and smooth. Is that it, Ellison?
Jim: Shut up, Rafe.
Brown: Well, that's nothing to be ashamed of. I shave mine.
Rafe: What the fuck are you talking about, Brown?
Brown: I don't know. What was the question?
Rafe: Why would you say you shaved your ass?
Brown: Because I do, what's wrong with that. Geeze, I thought most men did. The hair gets in the way.
Blair: (Thud...) Well Brown, you've gone and said something so easily that Jim should have been able to say.
Brown: Jim, I think it's fine to do it.
Jim: Why are we discussing my and Brown's butt hair?
Blair: Because it's so fucking fascinating.
Jim: Well, why don't you tell them about your's then?
Blair: Fine, I shave mine too.
Joel: Is it uncomfortable when it grows back in?
Simon: I can't believe we're discussing this crap.
Jim: Joel, I keep my shaved, so it never really grows back in, if you get my drift.
Joel: And this is comfortable for you?
Brown: Hell yes, I think it's one of the best things I ever did. I wouldn't go without shaving now.
Rafe: God, you're all turning into wusses. God, I can't believe I ever listen to this shit.
Simon: Conner, could we move on before we're forced to hear anything else personal about each other?
Conner: Her tits are just too big.
Joel: This is something I've never said, or thought.
Conner: Well that's the whole point, Joel. They say that men wouldn't be caught saying it for anything, because to you, tits are never too big.
Simon: Conner, need I remind you that we shouldn't be talking about this stuff?
Conner: It's part of the survey, sir.
Joel: Okay, then I have looked at a woman once and said, she might fall over if she doesn't get help standing up. And it turned me off.
Rafe: God, you're an official wuss, Joel. I'll bring badges and awards next week.
Joel: Well, I don't believe that women need huge breasts.
Jim: I don't believe it either.
Blair: I used to like them. Oh hell, who am I kidding, I still wouldn't say it.
Jim: You're still looking.
Simon: Jim stop right now. Blair can say something without it being a personal attack on you. So, get a grip.
Jim: Fine.
Brown: I've never said it, never thought it and I believe that a woman's breasts should not come into the matter of choosing if they're a good date or not.
Joel: Good answer, Brown.
Rafe: You're all wusses.
Jim: So what is your answer, hot shot?
Rafe: The bigger the better. So , no I wouldn't have said a word.
Conner: You are such a creep, Rafe.
Simon: Okay, I see this going downhill, Conner. Could we move now?
Conner: Sometimes I just want to be held.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: I wasn't going to say a fucking word, big man.
Joel: Hell I think and say this.
Rafe: Simon, you have to keep him away from them.
Jim: Rafe, you've never wanted to be held?
Rafe: I didn't say that.
Jim: Yes, you just did.
Rafe: I just wouldn't say it out loud.
Blair: Rafe, you're saying that you would love to be held, but wouldn't want to ask her to hold you?
Rafe: Yeah, that's it.
Jim: Man, that's sad.
Joel: That is sad.
Conner: I think the woman is lucky.
Rafe: Fuck you, Conner.
Simon: Okay moving this along.
Jim: Wait, we didn't all answer.
Simon: Yes, I've felt this and asked it too. And if you call me a wuss, Rafe, I'm going to pop you one right in your mouth.
Rafe: Conner, when you started this, did you know that it was going to be like a form of abuse for Simon to use against all of us?
Conner: Rafe, I think you are the wuss. The other guys are real men, you're the fucking wuss.
Brown: Okay, my turn. I love to be held, Rafe. Does this make me a wuss.
Rafe: Do you say, Sometimes I just want to be held?
Brown: No, they just hold me, I don't have to tell or ask.
Rafe: Then it's fine. You're not a wuss unless you bring it up.
Simon: Rafe, I'm going to knock your block off in about ten seconds.
Jim: Simon, it's not worth it. I take it you've asked to be held on occasion?
Simon: Well hell I thought we all did. I guess I was wrong.
Blair: Well, I think that if you're in tune with your partner, you shouldn't have to ask or say. It should be second nature.
Conner: So, Sandy, you know when Jim needs to be held.
Blair: Yeah, Conner, I do.
Conner: That is so fucking great. I wish I had someone like that.
Joel: Me too.
Simon: Me three.
Brown: Actually I have someone right now, that does hold me rather nicely.
Simon: Could we move on? I'm depressed.
Conner: That chick on Murder, She Wrote gives me a woody.
Jim: (choke...choke...choke...)
Blair: Jim, you okay?
Jim: Conner, where in the hell are you getting these questions?
Conner: From my teacher. He posts them daily and we get to take our choices. Now anyone want to answer this one.
Jim: Jesus, I would die if I got a woody from her. Not that she isn't a nice woman, I'm sure she is. But shit. She could be my Mom. Or my Gramma.
Blair: Well actually...
Rafe: Oh give me a break.
Blair: Did you ever see her in movies when she was young? She was gorgeous. She could give me a woody.
Conner: Now that is the nicest thing I've ever heard. She might not do it now, but you still remember how she looked. That's so sweet.
Brown: Then why is Ellison pissed off?
Jim: I'm not pissed off.
Blair: Jim, it was just an example.
Jim: I guess I didn't realize that you were still watching women.
Blair: Jim, we're talking about Angela L. here. Get a grip.
Jim: Forget it.
Conner: Jim, you have some major insecurity issues. You really need some work on them.
Jim: fuck you, Conner.
Conner: Whatever works, big man.
Blair: Whoa. Back up. He's my big man, not yours.
Joel: Now I think that's the first time I've ever seen Sandburg get pissed off at Conner.
Conner: Sandy, I'm sorry. I was joking.
Jim: Chief, thanks.
Blair: For what?
Jim: For loving me.
Conner: OH shit, this romance stuff is killing me.
Brown: You're too cute for words.
Rafe: No, there are words. They're called wuss pusses.
Jim: Shut up Rafe, you're ruining the moment.
Simon: Could we move on, while we're all still relatively young?
Conner: Sure I'd love to wear a condom.
Joel: Well, actually, I do say and think this. It's that age of safety.
Jim: Yeah, been there, done that.
Joel: So you and Blair still practice safe sex?
Simon: Whoa. Whoa. Back this up. We're not going to even go there. Do not, I repeat, do not answer that, Ellison.
Jim: Okay.
Joel: Tell me later on Jim, okay?
Jim: Sure.
Conner: Well, now we all want to know. Tell us Sandy.
Blair: No, I think we really should move on to something else.
Rafe: Good thinking, Sandburg. For once you answered like a real man.
Blair: Rafe, if you don't stop making the real man jokes, I'm going to real man something up your ass.
Rafe: Well, that's really a great thought, Sandburg. How would Ellison feel about that, eh?
Jim: Blair, I'm going to have to kick his ass.
Blair: Jim, you won't have to, I'm going to do it for you. Rafe, you're being an asshole.
Rafe: Sorry. Really I am.
Jim: Yeah, right.
Rafe: I am.
Simon: Well, I just want to move on.
Jim: Well we need to answer the question sir.
Simon: Yes, I practice safe sex, so think and say it all the time.
Conner: I'm shocked that you all take it so seriously. Sandy, why the odd look?
Blair: No reason. Just wondering what everyone thinks about wearing gloves when you're with your mate, partner, wife or husband.
Conner: Well, I for one, wouldn't want to have to use a condom for him if we were monogamous.
Rafe: But how do you know that the person is monogamous?
Brown: That's what scares me?
Joel: It's all pretty scary these days. Well, Jim and Blair are the only ones in a steady relationship. How do you two feel about it.
Jim: I think you should be able to go bareback if you trust the person enough.
Blair: And what if that person isn't always trustworthy?
Jim: Sandburg?
Blair: Shit, I don't mean, us big man. I'm talking about people in general.
Jim: Why not scare the shit out of me.
Simon: But see Jim, this is the whole point. What if Blair was sleeping with someone else right now and you didn't know?
Jim: I'd know.
Simon: You're missing the point, Jim.
Jim: No, I'm not I trust Blair and he trusts me. Right, Chief?
Blair: Right...
Jim: Wait a minute. You don't trust me?
Simon: Conner could we please move on, I beg you. That's an order in fact.
Blair: We'll talk later on, Jim.
Jim: No, we'll talk now.
Simon: Jim, I think with us here it might not be the time and place.
Blair: Fine, I think that sometimes I don't trust you.
Jim: What the fuck are you talking about?
Blair: Sometimes I watch you while you're watching old dates, and you have a look of loss on your face. So, I guess I've always believed that you might have to go elsewhere to make you happy all the time.
Jim: I don't fucking believe you thought that. Chief, I've been with no one but you since we've been together. How long have you felt this way?
Blair: Since the start. Sorry Jim.
Simon: This is why you should have been more careful, Blair. If you believed he was sleeping with someone else, shouldn't you have taken more precautions?
Blair: I guess so. Jim, I'm really sorry.
Jim: We'll talk about it later on.
Simon: Conner could we move on NOW?
Conner: Fuck Monday Night Football, let's watch Aly McBeal.
Joel: Man, I don't see me saying this.
Jim: I would never say this.
Blair: Jim, we like Aly Mcbeal.
Jim: But they didn't know that, Blair.
Blair: Oops, sorry.
Simon: I like the show. That Black woman DA is hot.
Joel: I like that show too.
Brown: I like all the music, it's usually pretty good.
Simon: I agree, it almost makes me want to jump up and dance sometimes.
Rafe: I swear, you are all weird. I hate that show. It reminds me of lawyers coming from that old show 30 Something. Bunch of whiners.
Jim: Rafe is there anything you do like?
Rafe: Yeah, I love Monday night football. Don't you?
Jim: Yeah, but I like other things too.
Blair: Rafe, have you ever seen Aly Mcbeal?
Rafe: No, why should I? I watch football.
Simon: Well what do you watch when the season ends?
Rafe: HBO
Simon: Give Aly a try, you might like it.
Brown: There are some hot women on it, Bri.
Rafe: Oh like that Aly chic, who looks like she's been starved to death.
Blair: Now on that we will no doubt agree. God, she looks bad. Sickly thin. I hate that in a woman.
Jim: Chief, why would you like anything in a woman, now?
Blair: Jim, I'm not dead.
Jim: So you're still looking.
Blair: Looking is one thing. Wanting is another. I only want one person and I have him.
Jim: God, you kiss ass with the best of them, Sandburg.
Simon: Conner, please tell me we're done.
Conner: almost sir.
Conner: I think we are lost, we better pull over and ask directions.
Joel: Well, I for one would pull over and ask for directions if I was really lost. Wouldn't any of you?
Jim: Nope, I'd sooner die.
Blair: You are so full of shit. He pulls over and has me jump out and get the directions. Mr. Macho doesn't like to be lost either.
Jim: Shut up, Sandburg.
Blair: You shut up, Ellison.
Simon: Well, it wouldn't bother me to ask for help.
Rafe: God, don't you guys know how to read maps?
Brown: Well, if we knew how to read a map and were still lost, we'd be doing it wrong. Don't you think?
Rafe: God, I'm surrounded by losers.
Blair: Fuck you, Rafe.
Rafe: Not even on your best day.
Jim: Why would he bother?
Blair: Good one, Jim.
Simon: Are we about done here, Conner?
Conner: Well, there is one small part left. It's about women. I'm going to answer the questions and you're going to tell me if you agree with me or not. What do you think?
Simon: Fine, but could we hurry it up? I'm bored. I want to go home.
Blair: Hey, you're the one that said we should stand behind her trying to better her education.
Conner: Thank you, Sandy.
Blair: You're welcome, Conner.
Conner: Jim, would you read these questions for me? And then you guys can tell me if I'm right or not.
Jim: Sure. Hand it here.
THE LAST THING ANY WOMAN WOULD EVER SAY:
Jim: Could our relationship be more Physical? I'm tired of just being friends.
Conner: I could and do say this all the time. I like sex.
Joel: Conner did you ask me a few nights ago for my phone number.
Conner: Cute Joel.
Simon: This isn't true. Conner, if we said that to you, you'd be pissed off.
Conner: The question was to me. Would I say it? I would.
Rafe: I for one find it refreshing that you feel this way. Want to go for coffee after this?
Conner: Not if my life depended on it.
Brown: I think it's great that you're that open that you could say or think this.
Jim: Go ahead and leave the seat up, it's easier for me to douche that way. (choke...choke...choke...)
Conner: Settle down Ellison, it's just a survey. I would never say this.
Blair: I'd like to say something but won't.
Jim: Good.
Rafe: Why do women do that anyhow?
Blair: Because I knew that Rafe would ask it.
Conner: Why are you asking me. They're dangerous. I only do healthy things. That's not.
Brown: I'm not saying a word.
Joel: I'm not either.
Simon: God, it can't get much worse than this, right?
Jim: (giggling) I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Conner: (giggling) Yeah, I might say it. Depends on the butt in question.
Joel: Okay, that's all there is to it, I'm asking you out when I get home.
Conner: Very funny, Joel.
Blair: Somehow I could see you saying this.
Conner: And this is meant as a compliment, right?
Blair: Of course it was.
Simon: I think it's a weird question. I thought it was on the men's one, I think it's even weirder on the women's.
Brown: I like seeing a woman who takes what she wants. Says what she wants and does what she wants.
Rafe: You like sluts.
Conner: You calling me a slut?
Rafe: Oh no, I didn't mean you. I meant, what Henry was describing.
Blair: Well, that sounds like a lot of people and they aren't sluts. Oh wait a minute. Yes, he is. Sorry. Can't stick up for either of you.
Jim: Very funny, Chief.
Simon: Next.
Jim: Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Conner: Nope, I would never say this.
Blair: Oh come on, Conner. Where is your sense of adventure?
Brown: Yeah, come on, Conner.
Conner: Fine, I'll say it the next time I go on a date and see what happens.
Joel: I wouldn't advise that, Conner.
Conner: I was joking, Joel.
Joel: Good.
Simon: I'm not even sure what it means, but I want to just move on.
Rafe: Wait, I didn't answer.
Simon: And we care, because?
Jim: Please don't throw that old T-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
Conner: (giggling) No, I can't see myself saying that.
Jim: Me either.
Blair: Jim, you're supposed to be asking not answering.
Jim: I can do both.
Rafe: I think this one is stupid.
Conner: This question? Or this whole survey?
Rafe: This whole part since Ellison has been reading the questions. They're wuss questions. You should just have he and Sandburg answer them.
Simon: Rafe, I don't know how to tell you this ,but you on the verge of pissing me off.
Rafe: Why?
Simon: Why? Why? God, he's stupid on top of everything else.
Rafe: It's not like I don't like Ellison and Sandburg. I do. I just think it sucks that they sleep together.
Blair: Funny you should mention sucking.
Rafe: See what I mean, Simon? This is what I mean.
Simon: What? They do. It's part of life, Rafe. Get over it.
Rafe: What if I can't.
Jim: Maybe we won't be friends anymore.
Rafe; I'll try.
Jim: This diamond is way too big.
Conner: I can tell you right now, that I'm not into big diamonds. I'm not a size queen.
Joel: Geeze, she's sounding better and better isn't she, Simon?
Simon: Better for what?
Joel: For a date, want to go out, Conner?
Rafe: Jesus, don't tell me you have a thing about not being big enough, Joel.
Joel: what are you talking about? I'm talking about the diamond ring.
Rafe: Oh. Sorry Joel.
Simon: I really didn't think this stupid thing could get any more off course, but you just showed me how wrong I was.
Brown: Simon, I agree with you. I'm totally confused.
Conner: Jim could we please move on?
Jim: (giggling) I won't even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Conner: Oy. I don't think you're going to hear that from me. What do you think, Jim?
Jim: Hey don't pull me into this one.
Blair: I'd say it.
Jim: Blair, you do say it.
Blair: Oh yeah. I do. Hee hee.
Rafe: Okay, now tell me Simon that this didn't bother you.
Simon: Well, I don't want to hear about anyone's sex life. Not just theirs.
Joel: It doesn't bother me in the least.
Brown: Me either. It used to, but I got used to it. Rafe, you act like you have a stick stuck up your ass sometimes. You're so rigid.
Rafe: I swear to god, Henry, you're starting to sound like them.
Simon: Jim could we move on now?
Jim: (On the floor howling) Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Conner: No, I've never said this.
Rafe: What you think you'll never come in contact with someone that large?
Conner: Honestly? No. I wouldn't want to. They'd have to take a trip to farm.
Jim: (Snort...snort...) Jesus Conner, warn a person before they take a drink.
Blair: Hey Jim says this all the time.
Jim: Yeah, but I'm talking about your height, hot shot.
Blair: Oh man that was so funny, I forgot to laugh.
Simon: Do you suppose there really are a lot of guys out there with 14 inch dicks? I mean, that is just disgusting.
Jim: Yeah, I think so too. If there really was someone like this, we should at least be the ones. Right, guys?
Joel: Well, it's not like we measure each other, right?
Jim: Shit, Joel are you saying you have 14 inches?
Joel: No, I never said that.
Conner: Guys, this is my part. You're supposed to just see if I answer right. I don't think you all care about who has a 14 inch dick, do you?
Blair: We might. Depends on who it belongs to.
Rafe: What do you think we should do, measure each other in the locker room tomorrow?
Conner: Guys, I think that we should move on.
Simon: Rafe, you think you'll have something we haven't seen? I've seen you in the locker room. You're no bigger or smaller than the rest of us.
Blair: Rafe, do you think if your dick was larger, you'd be a bigger man? OH shit, I guess you would be. (rolling on the floor laughing at his own joke.)
Rafe: Okay, I'm sorry. I got carried away. Shit, I hate these surveys.
Jim: (Rolling eyes back into his head) I'm wrong, you must be right again.
Conner: Nope can't hear myself saying this ever.
Simon: Good we agree on this one, Conner.
Rafe: I do too.
Blair: Conner, you would admit if you were wrong.
Conner: Maybe to you, Sandy. But not many others.
Jim: I believe you'd rather die than say it.
Conner: You're asking the questions, who wants your opinion?
Blair: I might. I like his opinion.
Joel: Admitting your wrong is hard. I know.
Brown: I would admit if I was wrong.
Rafe: Oh god, you've been hanging with Ellison way too much. He admits he's wrong all the time.
Jim: Only if I was really wrong. What's wrong with that?
Rafe: Nothing Jim. You just keep believing you're a real man.
Blair: Shut the fuck up, Rafe. I'm going to show you real man, while I kick your ass.
Rafe: Jim, is he always this fucking cute?
Simon: All right, sit back down, right now, Jim. Let's move on.
Jim: (snickering) Can we not talk to each other tonight? I'd rather just watch TV.
Conner: Yeah, actually I have said this when I wanted to watch a special show or game on the telly.
Blair: I've said this many times.
Rafe: I bet.
Jim: Stop it now, Rafe.
Simon: Hell I don't even want to discuss these anymore.
Joel: I've said and done this many times.
Conner: Excuse me guys, this is about me. Not you.
Rafe: Oh yeah, miss Priss wants this to be about her.
Conner: Rafe, I'm going to kick your fucking ass. I'll show you Miss Priss.
Jim: Conner, at least he's not calling you wuss puss.
Conner: Jim, Miss Priss is the same thing.
Jim: Really? Then I just might help you kick his ass.
Simon: No one is kicking anyone's ass. Stop now.
Brown: I'm getting a stomach ache from you all arguing.
Conner: We'll try and do better, Brown. Poor guy. (Hugs Brown and smiles at him.)
Jim: Well we're done for tonight. Wasn't that just too much fun?
Conner: Jim, you did a really good job. I might have you help me again on the next one.
Jim: Okay. Night everyone.
Brown: See you all in the morning.
Rafe: Brown, you wanna go eat something?
Brown: No, I need to go home.
Rafe: Are you okay?
Brown: I'm not comfortable with you all fighting all the time.
Blair: Night everyone. Brown, try not to take it to heart, okay? If you need me, you know what my number is.
Simon: Go home everyone.
Conner: Night guys, thanks.
Joel: Rafe, I'll go to dinner with you and then we can talk about manners.
Rafe: Nah, I'm not hungry anymore.
Simon: Geeze, it's like being around fucking kids all night long.
Conner's Quiz 6
Patt
For Kylia. Thanks for the push. <g>
WHY DOGS ARE BETTER THAN MEN
Conner: Dogs do not have problems expressing affection in public.
Joel: Now this is just not true. I show affection in public.
Simon: Yeah, I do too.
Jim: Me too.
Blair: Jim you could show a little more, if you know what I mean.
Jim: You don't think I'm affectionate?
Blair: Yeah, but we all have room for growth.
Brown: I think men show affection just fine. And Blair I think Jim is affectionate in public. Especially since this is all new to him.
Blair: And it's not to me?
Jim: I'll work on it Chief. Okay?
Rafe: First, the reason bedrooms were made is so we wouldn't have to show affection in public. DUH
Blair: Rafe, you're giving all of us men that dog reputation.
Rafe: Somehow you'll have to live with it.
Simon: Wow, Conner, this one is just breezing right by isn't it? Are we done yet?
Conner: Simon, you know damn well this is the first one.
Simon: Maybe this whole school thing was a bad idea.
Jim: You seem tired, Conner. Are you all right?
Conner: Jim that's so damn nice. Thanks, I'm doing fine.
Blair: You know where I am if you need to talk, C.
Conner: Thanks, Sandy.
Conner: Dogs miss you when you're gone.
Joel: Hey if I were dating someone, I would miss her when she was gone.
Blair: I happen to know that Jim misses me when I'm gone.
Jim: I do.
Blair: I miss you too, big man.
Rafe: You guys are kind of cute.
Brown: Yeah, I agree with Rafe on that one.
Conner: The question is, would you miss someone, or would a dog miss them more?
Rafe: Yeah, the person I'm dating is missed when she's gone.
Conner: You never wonder whether your dog is good enough for you.
Blair: Wow, does this one scream out Ellison or what?
Jim: What do you mean?
Joel: Well, Jim, you're just a tad insecure.
Simon: A tad? A tad? What the hell does tad mean anyhow?
Blair: Well since you asked so nicely I can give you some examples. A small piece, a bit, a fragment, a smidgen, a trace and a speck. Will any of those do for you?
Simon: Sandburg, I know what it means, I was just being sardonic.
Blair: Hey, I was just being helpful.
Jim: Now can we get back to what you all started discussing? Why would I not think I was good enough to be with Blair?
Blair: Well do you?
Jim: Most of the time.
Blair: See what I have to put up with y'all.
Jim: Hey, I'm working on it, Chief. I'm trying. I'm taking baby steps.
Blair: Oh shut up, Bob.
Rafe: Okay, now Sandburg even lost me. Bob???
Conner: Could we get back to the question, guys? We'll be here all night long at this rate.
Brown: Hey I think you are all taking this the wrong way. I hear do you think that your date is good enough for you. Conner what do you think?
Conner: Yes, Brown, you deserve a gold star. I didn't want to point it out to them, but they didn't get it.
Jim: See, Sandburg, you picked on me for nothing.
Blair: Okay, I don't think that I would ever sit and do that.
Jim: God, I hope not.
Rafe: Jim, he's joking.
Simon: I have to say I'm fucking confused now.
Joel: So am I. I think we should move on to the next one before we are stuck here for life.
Conner: Dogs feel guilt when they've done something wrong.
Simon: Okay, this one is totally off base. I feel just as guilty as a woman does.
Conner: Do you? How do you know?
Simon: I just do.
Joel: I agree with Simon. I feel bad when I've done something wrong, so I'm just like a dog.
Jim: Joel, I would never say that about you.
Joel: Thanks Jim.
Blair: Guilt isn't that good of a thing. Why do we have to suffer through this and be proud of it? What are you all Jewish?
Conner: I'll have you know Sandy; you don't have to be any type to have that guilt complex inside of you. My Mother was a pro at it and she wasn't Jewish.
Brown: My mom was too. I love her to death, but to this day, I suffer guilt for small things.
Rafe: Your Mom would be smiling right now if she heard that, Henry.
Brown: Don't I know it?
Jim: I feel guilty.
Blair: When?
Jim: What do you mean when? I feel guilty all the time.
Blair: Again, I ask, when?
Simon: Okay, I see something brewing here. Lets move this along, Conner. Now.
Blair: You don't suffer guilt unless someone tells you to, Jim.
Jim: That is bullshit, Chief. I feel just as bad as the next person for dumb things I do. So, don't tell me I don't suffer guilt.
Simon: Conner, see we're ready to move on. Go.
Conner: Dogs don't brag about whom they have slept with.
Simon: I never do this.
Rafe: Well, Henry and I have been known to discuss things. We aren't bragging exactly, we're just really proud of ourselves sometimes.
Brown: Yeah, what he said.
Joel: I don't brag.
Jim: I don't brag.
Blair: You've never bragged about anyone you've ever slept with Jim?
Jim: No.
Blair: Wow.
Jim: Well I take it you have?
Blair: A few times.
Rafe: Way to go, Hairboy.
Simon: Sit back down, Ellison and keep your hands to yourself. Joel, do you ever feel like you're a kindergarten teacher?
Joel: All the time, Simon. All the time.
Jim: Blair, I never used to hear you brag about anyone when we were just roommates.
Blair: That's because I didn't tell you.
Jim: Why not?
Blair: Because you're a fud and have such a sense of fair play. You'd probably call the person to see if they wanted to put in their two cents.
Rafe: So tell us, Hairboy, do you still brag?
Brown: Oh good one, Brian.
Blair: Hey, I think we've spent enough time on this one.
Simon: I couldn't agree with you more.
Jim: Wait a fucking minute. You tell people about us????
Blair: I never said that.
Jim: You didn't say you didn't either.
Blair: Fine, I tell Conner some things.
Jim: Oh shit...
Conner: Oh settle down, Jimbo. I'm not going to spread any of those delicious tales he weaves for me daily.
Jim: Chief, I'm going to kick your ass when we get home.
Blair: Conner remind me to tell you how much I love these fucking surveys.
Simon: Now are we ready to move on?
Conner: Dogs don't criticize your friends.
Joel: I try not to criticize my friends.
Simon: I try not to either.
Jim: I don't do it.
Blair: Choke...Choke...choke...
Simon: Sandburg you okay?
Blair: Jim, wanna retract that before we move on?
Jim: Fine, sometimes I criticize Blair.
Rafe: Blair? You criticize everyone, Ellison.
Brown: Okay, I have to agree on this one, Ellison. You need to calm your act down and enjoy life.
Jim: Fine. I'll try to keep my opinions to myself from now on.
Blair: Conner, don't you love when he pouts?
Conner: He is quite cute with his bottom lip sticking out.
Jim: Fuck you Conner.
Conner: Maybe later, if you let me brag afterwards.
Jim: Choke...Choke...
Simon: Would you and Sandburg learn how to drink and eat?
Jim: Sorry Simon. It went down the wrong way.
Conner: Why do you all say that? It can only go down one way. It goes down. It can't go up, it just goes down.
Joel: It's a figure of speech, Conner.
Conner: So do we all agree that no one but Ellison criticizes anyone?
Blair: Well, that's not true.
Simon: Fine, who else?
Blair: You Simon. You criticize worse than Jim does. In fact, I figured that it's where Jim took lessons.
Simon: Conner could you explain to me again, why this is supposed to be helping you?
Conner: Sure, sir. I get to do a paper on your interactions, your answers and your opinions of yourself and each other.
Simon: Move on Conner before I pull the damn plug on them all.
Conner: Dogs are happy with any video you choose to rent; because they know the most important thing is that, you're together.
Jim: Hey, I'm always happy with whatever Blair rents.
Blair: Right.
Simon: This one is just plain stupid.
Blair: Sir, the whole point is that you're spending quality time with someone, not what video you chose.
Jim: There you go, I love no matter what you rent, even if I hate the damn thing.
Brown: I think this one's dumb too.
Rafe: I think we should pass these ones by without wasting our time.
Joel: I agree with Blair on this one. It's important that you spend quality time with someone and that's what you're not seeing here.
Conner: I love that some of you guys can figure these out by yourself.
Conner: Gorgeous dogs don't know they're gorgeous.
Jim: Was this one made for Rafe and Sandburg or what?
Blair: What do you mean by that, Jim?
Jim: Well, you're too gorgeous and don't pretend like you don't know it.
Blair: And you know damn well that you're like a Greek god. So where is this taking us?
Jim: I just get jealous sometimes.
Blair: Man, you're so fucking sexy when you're jealous.
Joel: I think it's made for the two of them too.
Rafe: Wait a minute, how the hell was I drawn into this? I'm not gay.
Jim: What does this have to do with being gay?
Rafe: Well, you're talking about gorgeous guys, why would you all notice about me?
Jim: Rafe, have Conner explain it to you.
Conner: Rafe, honey, I'll talk to you later tonight.
Brown: You're a little slow on the uptake, Brian.
Rafe: Blair do you get it?
Blair: Yeah, Rafe, they're jealous of me and you getting most of the attention in the bullpen.
Rafe: Oh, that. Okay, I knew about that.
Jim: See, that's what we're talking about.
Simon: I think you're all nuts.
Conner: Dogs don't feel threatened by your intelligence.
Jim: I imagine Sandburg will have something to say about this one.
Blair: Yeah, I do. I'm never threatened by your intelligence.
Jim: Thank you, baby.
Conner: Jim, I think he was insulting you.
Jim: I know, I'm just making him feel bad now.
Blair: It worked.
Jim: God, I'm good.
Simon: Another stupid one.
Joel: Many folks are threatened by some of you guys being so smart, but I just tell them flat out, don't worry, they're just as dumb as the rest of us.
Simon: Thanks Joel. That makes us all feel so much better.
Joel: You're welcome.
Brown: Hey who was he calling dumb?
Rafe: Us.
Conner: Dogs don't need therapy to undo their bad socialization.
Joel: Is it just me, or does this one scream Ellison?
Simon: I see Ellison here too.
Jim: I don't.
Blair: You wouldn't.
Jim: Shut up.
Blair: See bad social skills?
Simon: You're giving them more ammo, Jim.
Rafe: I see Ellison, but I also see Simon.
Simon: Shut up, Rafe.
Rafe: It was okay when it was just Jim, but now that it's you, you have a problem with it? Bad social skills if you ask me.
Simon: Fuck you, Rafe.
Jim: You're giving them more ammo, Simon. <snickering>
Simon: Fuck you too, Ellison.
Brown: Well, I see both of them too.
Conner: I have to say this one is so Ellison it isn't even funny. I just had to have my say on it.
Jim: Hey you're not supposed to be answering these. You're supposed to be just sitting in.
Simon: Yeah.
Jim: Good come back, Simon. Thanks.
Simon: Fuck you, Ellison.
Jim: Not today, sir. I'm busy and Blair is the jealous type.
Simon: Conner could you move this along?
Conner: The worst social disease you can get from dogs is fleas. (OK, the *really* worst disease you can get from them is rabies, but there's a vaccine for it, and you get to kill the one that gives it to you.)
Rafe: Ewwwwww
Brown: Yeah, what he said.
Joel: This is a terrible one. Conner, where did you get this survey?
Simon: I don't even want to think on this one.
Jim: Actually, I like this one. Wouldn't that be great, if you could put the person out of their misery that gave you a disease??
Blair: Nice thought there, Jim.
Jim: Hey, I was kidding.
Conner: I can't believe you guys. This is a great one and you all wussed out except for Jim.
Jim: Thanks, Conner.
Conner: Dogs understand what "no" means.
Jim: This reminds me of Sandburg. Do you remember when I used to say, "Stay in the truck?"
Blair: OH those were the good ole days, weren't they, guys? Not.
Joel: This reminds me of Blair too.
Simon: Me too.
Blair: What is this, pick on Sandburg day?
Simon: Yes, yes it is.
Rafe: Yeah, this has Sandburg written all over it.
Brown: It also has Conner written all over it. She's not into listening either.
Jim: I couldn't agree with you more, Brown.
Conner: This is supposed to be about you all.
Simon: Well you're one of us all.
Conner: Thanks, Simon.
Simon: Don't let it go to your head.
Conner: You can train a dog.
Joel: Men are pretty hard to train.
Jim: I think I'm pretty well trained.
Blair: Yeah, you're pretty well behaved.
Simon: I don't want to be trained, I'm not a dog.
Rafe: Oh good one, Simon.
Brown: I agree with Simon.
Blair: I can't be trained either. So I think it's safe to say the only one trainable in the group is Jim.
Conner: Here, here.
Jim: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Conner: You are never suspicious of your dog's dreams.
Jim: Well I have to admit, that if I hear something out of the ordinary, I get a little upset about it.
Blair: No need to Jim. We're cool.
Rafe: I've never had to deal with this.
Brown: Me either. What do you mean, anyhow? You mean, saying someone's name in your sleep or something? God that would be embarrassing.
Simon: I did it once after the divorce.
Joel: Did the woman get mad?
Simon: Yup.
Joel: Well I've not done it that I know of.
Conner: Middle-aged dogs don't feel the need to abandon you for a younger owner.
Joel: That's a funny one. I never understood why someone would want someone younger than they are themselves.
Brown: Joel, Joel, Joel. We're going to have to teach you what younger women do for a person.
Joel: I'm telling you Brown, if you were ever with a woman my age, you'd be dating them that age.
Rafe: Ewwwwww
Jim: Well things are looking up; he's not saying that about us.
Blair: Cool, we're not the topic of discussion on this one. Way cool.
Rafe: Well, actually Sandburg, you are going to be the topic in just a moment. Jim went looking for younger and found you.
Brown: Holy shit, I never thought of that. Yeah, Jim, why couldn't you have dated someone your own age?
Simon: You know now that they're talking about it, do you find you have problems with your age differences?
Jim: Jesus, you all act like he's 17. He's only 9 years younger than I am.
Blair: Yeah, so like, so there.
Conner: Oh Sandy you crack me up. You do sound like your 17. I bet Jim is blown away sometimes.
Rafe: Why do you want to mention blowing Jim away? Now Sandburg will have to say something.
Blair: About what?
Rafe: Oh you know you were going to say something about blowing Ellison.
Blair: Why are you so fascinated with our sex life?
Rafe: Oh come on, you know you were dying to say it.
Jim: Rafe, I take offense to what you just said.
Rafe: Oh you are so full of shit, Ellison.
Blair: Jim isn't full of shit; we took care of that earlier.
Rafe: See, that's what I meant.
Jim: What? What did you mean?
Rafe: You know what I meant.
Blair: Well I don't, so tell me.
Rafe: Man, you guys are going to pay for this. <giggling, uncontrollably>
Blair: What you giggling about Rafe?
Rafe: Nothing. You guys are beginning to grow on me.
Jim: Simon, I really take offense to what he's saying. Now he thinks we're going to grow on him?
Simon: Okay, guys you've had your fun. Settle down.
Conner: So does anyone believe that you have to date someone younger to enjoy yourself?
Jim: Duh.
Blair: Thanks, hot stuff.
Jim: No thank you, sweet man.
Brown: Oh god, look what you started Rafe.
Rafe: <giggling again> I can't help it; they seem cuter today.
Conner: They're always this cute, you just didn't notice before.
Conner: Dogs don't mind if you do all the driving
Blair: Man, is this one screaming Jim to anyone else?
Jim: What are you talking about? I let you drive sometimes.
Blair: Sometimes, once a month doesn't constitute as sometimes.
Rafe: Ellison let the kid drive.
Jim: Rafe, why are you calling him kid, what are you, two days older?
Simon: Yeah, what he said.
Rafe: Hey you know I'm a lot older than he is.
Brown: Jim, you don't let Hairboy drive very often, that's true.
Joel: I hate to agree with everyone, but they're right, Jim.
Jim: Fine, I'll see about letting Sandburg drive now and then. Chief, how about when we go in Simon's car? Would that count?
Simon: No, it would not count.
Blair: Simon you're no fun whatsoever.
Simon: That's why I'm the boss and you aren't.
Conner: So does this say anything about anyone else?
Simon: Yes, I don't like anyone driving my car. Especially Ellison.
Jim: Simon, are you going to hold it against me for life about that damn car incident?
Simon: Why yes I am.
Jim: Oh goody.
Simon: Conner, there seems to be a lull in the action, let's forge on.
Conner: Dogs admit it when they're lost.
Joel: Okay, I'm just going to come right out and say this. What the hell is this survey about? I mean, it keeps talking about men being lost. Well, I'm not ashamed to say, I'm fucking lost here. What do dogs and men have in common, Conner?
Conner: Well, actually Joel, these answers beg to differ with you.
Joel: Shit, I hate when I'm the only one who doesn't understand.
Rafe: You're not, Joel. I don't get it either.
Brown: I haven't understood one of these yet.
Conner: Well, why didn't you ask?
Brown: Why, like you'll help us. You're probably taking notes to add a laugh track or something.
Jim: Brown, that sounded a little on the paranoid side.
Brown: I know. I've been with you all week.
Jim: What's that supposed to mean?
Blair: He was kidding, Jim.
Brown: Yeah, Ellison, I was kidding.
Simon: I will admit when I'm lost. There you have it. That's why I'm the boss and you aren't.
Blair: I also admit when I'm lost. Jim doesn' |
