Conner's Laugh Fest
Patt
Conner knew that she was going to have to find something fun for her survey tonight. This had been a tough week with IA doing those investigations and all. But they were finding out a lot of things about the trash that worked for the PD. Thankfully, they'd soon be gone and maybe their lives could get back to normal. Conner felt like it was her goal and job to make Jim and Blair smile tonight. She hoped it worked.
She walked into the pub and saw everyone sitting there as usual. She knew that they were all hoping that it would be fun, instead of intense. Conner vowed to make it the best meeting yet. Besides, how could she go wrong? Guys loved talking about their Johnson's. She snickered to herself as she sat down at the table with her friends.
Simon: Well, what's up for tonight, Conner? Please don't tell us it's something boring.
Conner: Actually tonight's assignment is right up your alley's.
Jim: We're going outside?
Blair: Good one, Jim.
Joel: Well, don't keep us in suspense, Conner. Get on with it. I sleep with the woman and still she wouldn't tell me what it was about.
Rafe: You're kidding. She won't tell you what the survey's are about? Conner, you don't trust your main man.
Conner: He's my only man. There is a difference between main and only. Main makes it sound like he's the best for the time being. He's my only.
Joel: Conner, that is so romantic. I'll show you my thanks later tonight.
Brown: Oh Lord, Conner has created a monster.
Simon: So are we going to actually have a survey this time or not?
Conner: Fine. Keep your shirts on, gents. Gosh you yanks are an impatient bunch.
Jim: Yeah, right. This is from the pushy, Aussie.
Conner: Well, I had to do something to make it with you yanks.
Simon: Conner, either do this or not...
Conner: Okay, this is something we all discussed in class. How men feel about things that have to do with their body. So, I want everyone to answer as truthfully as they can. Do you all promise?
Simon: I'll promise anything as long as you move this along. Geeze.
Jim: Sounds good to me, Conner.
Blair: Yeah, same here.
Joel: You know I'll answer truthfully.
Rafe: I'll try.
Brown: Geeze, this is going to be a hard one, I can tell.
Simon: We haven't even started. We're just talking Brown, why would you think that would be hard?
Brown: I can just feel it.
Joel: She won't make it hard. She's got that light in her eyes, like it's going to be fun.
Blair: That is so cute. You two being in love is great.
Jim: I totally agree. I think you' make a wonderful couple.
Simon: Are we going to do this or not?
Conner: Geeze, he's the one that gives you yanks a bad name. Here we go.
Conner: This is a list of ways to tell your friend that their fly is unzipped. Now I want you to listen to each one and tell me if you've ever used this. If you would ever use it, or you think it's stupid. All right? Everyone ready?
Simon: We're ready, don't ask them again.
Conner: Okay, here we go. First one. You've got windows on your laptop.
Jim: <thunk, as Jim falls out of his chair onto the floor> Oh god, Conner. I didn't think you could brighten my day up, but I believe you just might. No, I've never said this. If Blair said it to me, I would howl. And no I would never say it myself.
Blair: <laughing> Okay, I agree with Jim here. This is a hoot. Jim, I'd never say that to you. I've never heard it before. But it's fucking funny, ya know? I love it. I might have to take notes on this one. New ways to make you smile, big man.
Jim: Thanks, baby.
Simon: This is just one of the stupidest things I've ever heard said. I can't believe that anyone would say this. I for one wouldn't know what in the hell they were talking about.
Joel: I don't think I would know either, Simon. But it was funny. It's got promise for a good joke.
Rafe: I'm taking notes just like Hairboy. I think it's a riot. No, I've never said this. Don't plan on saying it, but won't swear to it. It's a riot, I might.
Simon: I forgot to say; I've never said it. Never heard it. And no I won't ever use it.
Joel: I might use it, if I got up enough nerve. It's pretty funny, don't you think?
Brown: I've had someone say this to me once. Honest. I'm not kidding. Stop laughing, all of you. What's really sad is I didn't get it, so I must have walked around with my fly down all damn day long.
Jim: <howling> Conner, thank you. We all needed this. This is great.
Blair: <howling> Brown, you're too much.
Brown: Well, I guess so, if someone saw me hanging out my fly.
Blair: <continuing to howl> I didn't mean that, but god, you're a riot.
Brown: Thanks.
Jim: Don't be looking at Browns fly, now.
Simon: Oh Jesus, we're already back to the gay jokes.
Rafe: I knew they'd be back in form soon. I was just hoping it wouldn't be this soon. Kidding, I'm kidding, Joel.
Jim: Thanks for sticking up for us, Joel.
Joel: I love you guys. I don't like anyone saying anything mean to anyone.
Conner: God, you have to love this man.
Blair: I do love this man.
Conner: You better not be loving him as I am.
Blair: Well that's impossible, Conner. I don't have the right equipment.
Jim: Better watch yourself, Chief, before I get pissed.
Blair: You know I'm joking, babe.
Jim: Yeah, I do.
Simon: Could we move on?
Conner: Ready? Okay, here's the next one. Sailor Ned's trying to take a little shore leave.
Jim: <choke, choke, choke...> God, Conner, warn a person before you spring something that funny on them. Holy shit. I think I can easily say I've never heard this said, nor do I plan on using it. Unless it's just Sandburg and me. Then it would be Sailor Blair's trying to take a little shore leave. Or Sailor Jim's trying to take a little shore leave.
Blair: <Howling, again> Jim, that is too funny. Please do use this. It would make my night. Conner, you're a true gem.
Brown: Okay, someone said this one to me and again, I didn't know what they meant.
Simon: <choke> Brown, are you joking? Someone said this to you?
Brown: No, I'm not joking. I'm serious. But sadly I didn't know again, so must have walked around flopping in the wind.
Rafe: Partner, why would you be flopping in the wind? We're just talking about your boxers showing.
Brown: I go commando a lot.
Jim: Holy shit.
Blair: You better not start watching him, or I'll kick your ass.
Simon: I think this is way more than we all need to know about each other.
Joel: Well I for one, think it's a riot. Brown, I can't believe that you've heard both of these and didn't know what they meant. That's too funny. I've never heard it. Won't probably ever use it in my life. But funny, nonetheless.
Simon: Now would be a good time to move on, Conner.
Conner: Your dork is ajar.
Jim: <howling> God, Chief, make sure and write that one down. This is too much fun. Thanks Conner. We all needed this laugh. I've never heard it until tonight and I'll probably never say it unless I had a lot of drinks.
Blair: <snickering> this is a hoot. Conner, I've never heard it either. But I would use it and plan on it. You better all watch out from now on.
Simon: No, I've never heard it. And to be honest, I don't even get it.
Rafe: Neither do I Simon.
Brown: What's not to get?
Jim: Exactly, what's not to get?
Simon: Suddenly you all are experts at fly humor.
Blair: <howling> Simon, I don't think we'll ever say that.
Jim: I'm sure I won't.
Joel: I've never heard that saying, but I agree, it's pretty damn funny.
Rafe: What is going on? Have you all lost your last bit of good sense?
Jim: Like we'd let you tell us what was good sense and not.
Blair: No lie.
Rafe: Simon, when did this become pick on Rafe night?
Simon: I don't care as long as we move on.
Conner: Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
Jim: <thunk> Conner, I hurt myself with that one. Geeze, where in the hell did you find these stupid questions? I want to go there and hang out all day long.
Blair: Conner, these are great. I wrote that one down, Jim. That's a keeper for sure.
Conner: You're not answering right, guys.
Jim: Sorry. No, I've never had it said to me and yes; I might use it some day. If I want to make a certain person laugh his ass off.
Blair: No, I've never heard it either, but I intend on using it now. Rafe, Quasimodo needs to go back in the tower and tend to his bells.
Jim: Hah, made you look.
Rafe: You two are so immature.
Blair: This is coming from the one that teaches a class in how to act like a child and be proud of it.
Brown: Okay, back to the question. No, I've never had it said to me. Yes, it's damn funny and I plan on using it soon.
Simon: I think the whole survey is stupid. I can't believe you guys are going to consider using that as a line to let someone know his fly is down. Why not just tell him his fly is down?
Joel: Simon, what fun would that be? In fact, that's downright boring. I've never had it said to me, but I plan on using it too.
Rafe: I think you've all taking leave of your senses. Oh shit, no, that would be only Jim.
Jim: Don't make Senses jokes, Rafe. It's not nice to mess with a Sentinel.
Brown: So are you ever going to tell us if that's true?
Simon: I think we've gotten way off track here. Conner keep this going, or we'll not do this again.
Blair: What a grouch, eh Conner?
Conner: Tell me about it.
Conner: I can see your Gap Dancers.
Rafe: Okay, I want someone to tell me what the fuck that means.
Simon: I'll be waiting beside Rafe. I don't get it either.
Jim: You two are just way too easy. God, we could just call you sluts, but I think you might be too slow for sluts.
Simon: Jim, did you forget who the boss was?
Jim: Not for one moment, Simon.
Blair: I've never had this said to me and actually I don't think this ones as funny as the others.
Joel: Me either.
Jim: You've never had it said to you, or you don't think its funny?
Simon: Who the fuck cares? We don't even get it. Brown, do you get it?
Brown: <howling> Yes, Simon I get it. I'll tell you all later. God, Rafe sometimes you are too slow.
Rafe: How come it's just me. Why didn't you say Simon was too?
Brown: Do I look stupid?
Simon: Good thinking Brown.
Jim: Wait a minute; I need to adjust my dancers. <howling>
Blair: Need some help there big man?
Jim: I wouldn't mind, if no one else cares.
Simon: I don't even now what the fuck you're talking about and I'm still pissed. Stop right now. Move this along Conner and stop laughing.
Conner: Sorry, sir.
Conner: Paging Mr. Johnson...Paging Mr. Johnson...
Blair: <howling and rolling on the floor> Conner stop now. Please, I beg of you.
Jim: I've had someone say this to me once. And I might use it if in the right frame of mind.
Blair: Who said this to you?
Jim: Chief, no need to be upset about it. It's a joke.
Blair: I know what it is. Who said it?
Jim: Miller from downstairs when I came out of the stall one day.
Blair: Why was he looking at your Johnson?
Jim: I'm sure I don't know.
Simon: Did you forget we're in the room?
Brown: I've never had this said to me, but I think it's a riot. Too funny and yes, I could use this in a crowd.
Rafe: Okay, at least this one I get.
Joel: But have you had it said to you and would you ever use it. I've never had it said to me, but I've said it to someone once.
Conner: Joel, you silly man, you must tell me some of your other secrets later.
Joel: I tell you all of my secrets.
Blair: Well while you're at it Joel why don't you find out why Miller was looking at Jim's dick?
Jim: Chief, I wasn't going commando, I had boxers on. He wasn't staring at my dick.
Blair: It pisses me off that someone was looking.
Simon: Who the fuck cares if Miller was looking at Jim's Johnson or not? I'm sure there are better things to worry about.
Blair: I'm sure there are, but I'm on this now and I'm going to get some answers from him.
Jim: Blair, stop.
Blair: You all asked once about Jim playing games. This is one of them. He mentions things like this and then doesn't explain it to me. I haven't a clue as to what Jim felt about the fact that Miller was looking at his Johnson.
Jim: Shut the fuck up about my Johnson. I had boxers on.
Blair: How do you remember?
Jim: I don't, but I rarely go commando, so I'm figuring that I did have boxers on.
Simon: This is why I hate these damn surveys. You two can't get through the damn thing without fighting. You fight about everything. It pisses me off. You're supposed to be in love damn it.
Jim: I'm in love with him. I love you, Blair.
Blair: I love you too Jim. I just don't like anyone looking at what's mine.
Brown: Holy shit. Now that is a jealous little fucker.
Blair: Who are you calling a little fucker?
Jim: I can tell you he's not.
Blair: Thanks, baby.
Rafe: God, here we go again. It's like being on a rollercoaster. Just when I think it's safe to breathe, you start in all over again.
Joel: Blair, if I told Jim his fly was down, would you be upset about me saying that?
Blair: Of course I wouldn't care if it were you. But Miller's had his eye out for Jim for ages.
Jim: He has not.
Blair: Duh did no one else see this?
Conner: I did. He has the hots for you, Jim.
Brown: Miller from downstairs?
Rafe: John Miller?
Blair: Yes, that one and only. He's a fucking home wrecker.
Jim: Blair, stop now. I'm not letting anyone break up our home.
Simon: Okay, I'll give you one chance to move this along, Conner, or we're done.
Conner: Okay, guys. We'll discuss this later.
Conner: Your pod bay door is open, Hal.
Simon: All right, I almost get this one. It's sort of funny. I wouldn't use it but it's funny.
Blair: Wow, the boss almost laughed. Will wonders never cease?
Simon: Sandburg, did you forget who makes the schedules?
Blair: Simon you can't keep telling us you'll give us more hours if we aren't good.
Jim: Shit, if he did that, Chief, you'd have to work seven days a week.
Simon: Get back to the fucking question.
Jim: Yes, I've had this said to me. Once at a bar on stake out. No one we know, Blair.
Blair: Better not be. Your Johnson is mine.
Jim: I know that, Chief.
Brown: This is very funny. I've heard it and I'll try and remember it to use at a party some time.
Rafe: I don't get it.
Joel: Rafe, I think I'm going to buy you a sense of humor.
Conner: Good one, darlin.
Rafe: Well, who the hell is Hal?
Jim: Man, I figured it was the computer voice on 2001. Didn't anyone else?
Blair: That is what it is, Jim.
Jim: Oh thank god. I thought I was losing it.
Simon: I don't know how to tell you this, but you already have. You're the biggest wuss I've ever met.
Jim: Why are you insulting me?
Simon: Because you just got done telling Sandburg that your dick was his.
Jim: It is.
Simon: Wuss.
Rafe: Wuss puss.
Blair: Guess who gets sex every fucking night?
Simon: Maybe we should rethink this, Rafe.
Rafe: Maybe.
Blair: I would think so.
Simon: Next one, Conner?
Conner: Elvis Junior has left the building.
Jim: Okay, I've heard this one, but didn't think it was that funny.
Blair: I love this one. I love Elvis jokes.
Jim: You would.
Blair: Shut up.
Jim: Whatever you say, hot stuff.
Blair: Better believe it.
Simon: I've never heard this one and I for one am damn glad of it. It's weird.
Rafe: I think it's weird too.
Brown: You guys have no sense of adventure.
Simon: Well I like adventure, just don't want my Johnson blowing in the wind is all.
Joel: Funny, Simon. Very funny. I've heard this one before. I don't think I've ever used it though.
Simon: Could we move this along?
Conner: Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.
Blair: <thunk> God, Conner, warn a person before they take a drink. Ow, that hurt, big man. Wanna kiss it and make it better?
Simon: Did you forget we're still here? Or did you want us to kiss it for you, Sandburg?
Blair: No, I'll shut up now.
Jim: This is a funny one. I hated that movie, but loved the Mini Me character.
Blair: Only Jim would discuss the damn movie and if he liked it or not.
Jim: Damn straight.
Rafe: Not the last time I checked.
Jim: You best not be checking, cuz Sandburg doesn't share my dick.
Rafe: Ewwww.
Joel: You guys crack me up. You never fail to make me laugh.
Conner: Me too. I love to watch and listen to them in action.
Jim: Now Conner, you shouldn't be listening to us.
Conner: You know damn well what I meant, Jim.
Jim: I'm kidding, Conner.
Brown: Who is Mini Me? Ow, don't throw things at me.
Blair: You're the only person here that hasn't seen Austin Powers.
Simon: No, he's not the only one. I wouldn't waste my time.
Conner: Everyone raise there hand that's surprised to hear Simon say this.
Simon: Why do you all have your hands up?
Jim: You have no sense of adventure, Simon.
Simon: I'll show you adventure when I make out those schedules.
Jim: Threats again. Oh goody.
Blair: Ignore him, Jim. He's just jealous that you're a live on the edge of your seat kind of guy and he's not.
Simon: Fuck you, Sandburg.
Jim: Simon, don't tell him that.
Simon: Fuck you, Ellison. Don't tell me what I can and can't say to my friends.
Jim: Okay, I guess you're right. If you want to tell your friend to go fuck himself, that's your business.
Simon: Shut up, Ellison.
Conner: Okay, lets move on before Simon has a stroke.
Simon: Is that an old age joke?
Rafe: No, it's because you look like you're on the verge of a stroke.
Conner: Ensign Hanes is reporting a hull breach on the lower deck, Sir!
Simon: All right, I want someone to explain this to me right now.
Joel: <howling> Simon, Hanes is a brand of underwear that men wear. Well, some women too, but mostly men. And then it's making fun of something you'd say on Star Trek or something.
Simon: And this is funny to you?
Joel: very funny, Simon.
Rafe: I think this one's funny. In fact, I think I heard this one at a party once.
Jim: Was it to you?
Rafe: No, but I still thought it was funny.
Blair: I think it's funny too. But we're Trekkies, not to mention we both wear Hanes. <Howling and rolling on the floor>
Simon: Sandburg, I'm glad to see you're enjoying my lack of knowledge at jokes.
Blair: Oh I am, Simon. I am.
Brown: I don't think this ones as funny as the others. I wonder why.
Blair: You're too fucking young.
Brown: We're the same age, Sandburg.
Blair: Well I seem older.
Jim: It's cuz you hang with me.
Blair: I love hanging with you.
Simon: Stop it now. Don't even let this get started.
Jim: What a grouch.
Simon: Get this moving, Conner. I beg of you.
Conner: Captain, sensors detect a wormhole in the forward quadrant!
Jim: Okay, this one isn't that funny.
Blair: I agree. Not too funny. But kind of cute. If you had no others.
Simon: I still don't get these star trek ones.
Blair: You're getting better. At least this time you know what it is.
Rafe: I think it's stupid.
Brown: I didn't even laugh.
Joel: Neither did I. Give us something better, sweetie.
Conner: Okay, I'll see what I can do, love.
Conner: Lil' Shaq's at the free show line.
Simon: Now this ones funny. <howling>
Rafe: I don't get it.
Brown: <howling, also> this one is the best one I've heard in ages.
Joel: I have to agree this ones pretty funny.
Jim: Wonder why it's not making me laugh?
Blair: I have no idea, I'm howling.
Jim: I can hear and see that, Chief.
Blair: Maybe you don't get it.
Jim: I get it. Maybe you're not going to get it ever again.
Simon: This was going so well.
Rafe: Yup, here they go again.
Joel: Don't argue guys. It upsets the Captain. He doesn't like to admit it, but it does.
Simon: Joel I think I can talk for myself.
Joel: Then tell them.
Simon: I don't like to see you argue, because I'm afraid that you'll break up and Jim will die.
Jim: Man, that's fucking sweet.
Blair: So you're only worried about Jim?
Simon: Of course not, but he's not as strong as you are, Sandburg.
Jim: Hey, wait a minute!
Simon: Lets move on before it gets all mushy and we have to hug.
Jim: God forbid.
Simon: I agree.
Jim: I was joking, Simon.
Simon: You would be. And you wonder why I don't think you could make it without Sandburg?
Blair: It's okay, Jim. I couldn't make it without you either.
Jim: Thanks, baby.
Simon: What do you think he's going to say with you throwing your temper tantrum?
Jim: Shut up, Simon.
Blair: This would be a good time to move on, Conner.
Simon: Hey that's my line.
Conner: You've got your fly set for "Monica" instead of "Hillary."
Simon: finally one I get. This is funny. I'd say this one if I ever remembered it.
Joel: That is a funny one.
Rafe: It's okay, still not making me laugh my ass off.
Brown: I barely understood it.
Blair: He's so young.
Brown: Shut up, Hairboy.
Blair: At least I have hair.
Brown: I shave mine on purpose, asshole.
Jim: Don't call him names Brown.
Brown: Fuck you, Ellison. I can say whatever I want to Hairboy. He's an asshole sometimes and needs to be told.
Blair: It's okay, Jim. I'm being an ass. He's right. Fuck you, Brown.
Jim: Good come back, baby.
Blair: Thanks, hot shot.
Jim: <whispering> I'll show you later.
Simon: Oh god, they're starting to whisper. Move on.
Rafe: Wait I haven't answered. I think it's funny and I would use this one.
Jim: Wait, we didn't answer either. I think it's funny too.
Blair: So do I.
Conner: Our next guest is someone who needs no introduction. Jim: <thunk>
Blair: <thunk>
Rafe: <thunk>
Joel: <thunk>
Brown: <howling>
Simon: <howling>
Conner: What is it? This one was that funny?
Jim: You saved the best for last Conner, that was great. All men like to think they wouldn't need to say a word about their Johnson. Hoping everyone would recognize it right off.
Blair: Dream on guys. I at least live in reality.
Rafe: I agree with Ellison on this. We can dream.
Brown: Hey, you guys dream, but mine doesn't need any introduction.
Rafe: Henry, I shower with you, believe me you've got nothing we all don't have.
Brown: Now that's a shitty thing to say.
Rafe: Shitty, but true.
Simon: Well, I think this one was the best and I hope that someone wrote it down. I plan on using it.
Joel: Honey did you think this one was that funny?
Conner: Yes, I did too.
Simon: Hey are we done here? I'd like to get home and sleep before work tomorrow.
Joel: I wanted to ask Jim and Blair how things were, if that's okay.
Jim: That's fine, Joel. We're good. Aren't we?
Blair: Yeah, we're good. People aren't quite as shitty to us as before. So things are looking up. Thanks for worrying and asking, Joel.
Jim: Well, we're out of here; Blair wants someone that doesn't need to be introduced making an appearance.
Simon: I knew it was coming.
Jim: NO, that's a little later. If I came that soon, we'd be in trouble.
Rafe: I love this gay joking stuff now. <howling>
Brown: Look what you've done? You've corrupted my corrupted partner.
Joel: Glad to hear things are good guys. Go home and love each other well.
Blair: Joel, that's one of the nicest things anyone has ever said to us. Thanks.
Jim: Thanks. Bye guys.
The guys walked out hand in hand and everyone else sat at the table and as soon as they walked out the door, Simon said, "Does everyone think they're doing okay?"
"Simon, I think they're doing just fine," Conner answered.
"I agree," Joel replied.
"I think we can all leave now and not worry so much," Rafe said.
"But we'll keep watching, right?" Brown asked.
"Without a doubt, we'll keep watching and see that they're doing all right," Simon said getting up from the table.
"Night guys," Conner said grabbing Joel's hand and walking toward the door.
"Night everyone," Joel called out over his shoulder.
As the last three were leaving, they smiled at each other and Simon said, "Thank god for friends, eh?"
The end.
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