They Shoot Hamster's Don't They?
Ramblin Rose
For Suse
This is for my pal, Suse. She asked, here is my version of a poor anguised
hamster.
Jim woke up looking at the clock and wondered why he was waking up at two in
the morning. Then he heard Blair talking to someone in a very soft voice.
"Shhhhhh. We don't want to wake Jim up. You have to be very good until I
figure out where you belong. Then I'll let you out of there."
Jim sat up in bed wondering what the hell was in that pizza that he had the
night before. Slipping out of bed, he grabbed his jeans and crept down the
stairs silently as a cat. He didn't want to alert Blair. He needed to find
out what was going on. As he got closer to Blair's door, it opened up and
Blair jumped about an inch off the floor and said, "What the hell are you
doing, hanging around outside my door, Jim?"
"Well, first of all, I was on my way to the bathroom, Chief. Secondly, I
didn't know I had to ask permission to go by your door. What's going on?"
"Nothing is going on, man. Nothing at all. Just go back to bed."
Blair turned around and went back into his bedroom and shut the door.
Pulling his hand back, Jim rapped on the door hard and said, "All right
Chief, who do you have in there and why won't you let them out?"
"Man, you were listening to me, weren't you? I have no privacy here."
"Can the bullshit, Chief, answer my question."
As Jim was standing there talking to Blair he heard a scratching and chewing
sound and Jim ran to get his boot because he thought there was a mouse in the
loft. What mouse would be insane enough to come in here, Jim wondered?
There's nothing to eat, the place is too clean and the owner is anal. That's
right, Ellison talk about yourself in the third person. *
Jim walked back into Blair's room carrying one boot with a look of a killing
machine on his face and Blair panicked. "Jim, slow down, let me explain to
you about who is in here."
"Fine, you talk while I look for the fucking mouse."
"Jim, it's not a mouse, it's a hamster." Blair said rolling his eyes
heavenward. "Fine," Jim said, "I'll kill the damn hamster then."
"What do you mean you'll kill the hamster? What is wrong with you? That
hamster never hurt you."
"Chief, I don't know how to tell you this, but hamsters are just like mice.
They need to be gotten rid of before they spread."
"Well Jim, I don't know how to tell you this, but you couldn't kill this if
you wanted to."
"What the hell are you talking about Sandburg?" Jim growled as he sat on
Blair's bed looking behind it for the hamster.
"It's a spirit guide, Jim. I don't know for whom, but it's here and it's not
real. No one else would be able to see it. Other than me, you and the person
it's meant for.
Well, Jim had tried to hold it in, but finally the laughter made its way out
of his mouth, chest and lungs. He was laughing so hard he had tears running
down his cheeks. "Chief, who would be unlucky enough to get a hamster as
their spirit guide,"
"I think it might be someone we know. So, lets have everyone over tonight
for a poker game and we'll see if anyone sees the darn thing sitting on the
counter."
"Chief, that damn hamster is not sitting on the kitchen counter."
"Jim, it's not a real hamster, so it's not germy."
"Hey, if I can see and feel it, it's real. It's not sitting on the kitchen
counter."
"Fine, you ass. God, you're so rigid sometimes."
"Rigid? And who are you calling an ass?"
Out of the corner of their eyes, they saw the hamster come out of Blair's
room. And Jim couldn't help it; he started laughing his ass off again.
"Jesus, I'm going to be kinder to whomever it belongs to. Just because I'll
feel sorry for them."
The hamster made a run for Jim's ankle but Jim moved pretty fast for a big
guy. Keep it up, hammy, and I'll get my gun. Remember what I said, they
shoot hamster's don't they?"
"Enough of this, Jim. Be nice. It can't help it that he or she is a spirit
guide and stuck in a hamsters body." Then looking over at Jim, Blair even
started laughing.
Jim got on the phone and called all of their friends to come over for a poker
party and see who was going to get the blessed protector. And Jim started
laughing again as Simon's phone was ringing. Simon picked up and said, "Who
the hell is this?" And Jim said, "Sorry, Simon, it's me, Ellison. I wanted
to invite you over for poker tonight. You game?"
"Well, I'm not sure, Ellison, why are you laughing?"
"Blair told me the funniest damn joke and I can't get it out of my mind. I
wasn't laughing at you, sir."
"What time, Ellison?" Simon bellowed.
"Eight o'clock and don't be late." Jim said as he hung up the telephone.
Dialing all of the numbers he talked to all of Major Crime and they were all
coming. As time grew near for their guests to arrive, Blair brought out the
hamster and sat it on the coffee table and said, "Jim will everyone be able
to see it from the kitchen?"
"Fine, put the damn thing on the counter, but after tonight you're scrubbing
the counters down with Lysol."
"Thanks Jim. I just think it'll be easier to see that way. And then we can
send everyone on their way."
As Jim turned to walk into the kitchen he saw the hamster and jumped and ran
into the bar. Jim bent over and was holding his cock like something had
happened and Blair realized that something did happen. The little hamster
was standing up on his hind legs and howling in anguish.
Blair rushed up to Jim and said, "Jim, let me see. What the hell did you do?"
"It hurts bad, Chief. I rammed my cock into the divider bar and right at the
corner."
Blair leaned over and started unzipping Jim's jeans and Jim said, "Chief,
what the hell are you doing?"
"I'm going to look and see how it's doing. Got a problem with that, Jim?"
"No, I guess not. Jesus, Chief, it really hurts." As Blair was looking at
his cock, he was trying to ignore the fact that Blair was breathing so
closely to it and at the same time saw the little hamster still standing on
his hind legs howling with anguish. "Shut up, you, you, you hamster.
Hamsters don't howl. What is up with this hamster, Chief?"
Blair started running his fingers across Jim's cock as he started to answer.
I think he was letting me know that you were hurt is all. Blair looked down
and saw Jim's cock starting to get hard. Jim wanted to die. As he looked
over, he noticed the fucking Hamster had finally stopped its little howling
routine. But now, Jim was hard as a rock and Blair was rubbing him like
there was nothing wrong with that.
"Hey Jim, feeling better, are we?" Blair asked smiling at his friend still
stroking his cock.
Again, Jim looked over at the hamster and saw him sitting and humping the
butter dish. "Jesus Christ, the damn thing is humping the butter dish,
Sandburg."
"Well, I don't know about you, Jim, but that's not putting me in a terribly
sexy mood."
"Blair we have company coming in another hour."
"Yeah, well, I might make you feel a lot better within the next hour."
Jim finally went into Blair's arms and they started kissing and the howling
from the hamster started up again. "Chief, I don't mean to bug you, but I
can't get into this with that damn mouse howling. Who the fuck would think
that a hamster could howl? And what's wrong now?"
Jim turned towards the door and said, "Shit, we have company." He zipped
himself back into his jeans, very carefully and went to answer the door.
Opening it up he was ready to be pissed off, until he saw the look on
Conner's face. She said, "Jim, I'm sorry I'm so early, but I was so lonely
tonight, I could hardly stand it."
Jim rolled his eyes and said, "Come on in, Conner. I'm sure Blair doesn't
mind."
Going right over to Conner, Blair said, "What's up Conner? Why are you
lonely tonight," Blair said as he put his arms around Conner and hugged her
really hard. "Sandy, I'm so missing my family tonight. God, doesn't it get
easier as time goes on?" Conner asked pleadingly.
"Yeah, it'll get easier Conner. But you also need to know that you have
friends at this time and we're here for you no matter what." Blair said.
Jim just stood there and Blair kicked him in the back of the leg. "Conner,
you're always welcome here. You know that. We like you." Jim said as
happily as he could. I mean after all, Blair had just been about to make all
of his dreams come true. Jim was still hard just thinking about it.
Jim went to the door and threw it open and welcomed Rafe, Joel, Brown and
Simon all at the same time. "Hi guys, come on in." Jim said deciding to make
the best of it. * If you play your cards right, Ellison and let Blair win,
maybe you'll get some of that attention later. *
They all sat down at the table and started to play poker. The laughter, the
jokes, the friendship was just what Megan Conner needed for sure. As the
night wore on, not one person noticed the damn hamster. Even though Blair
tried drawing attention to it all night long. Conner got up to use the
bathroom and suddenly the hamster stood on his hind legs and started the
little pathetic howling again. And Jim couldn't help it. He lost it and
started laughing. Blair nudged him and said, "Jim, do you think something
might be wrong with Conner?"
Jim got up mumbling under his breath the whole time and went to the bathroom
door and said, "Conner, are you okay in there?" Blowing her nose, Conner
answered, "I'll be out in a jiffy, Jim. Sorry to hold the game up."
"No problem, Conner, just making sure you're all right." As Jim walked
towards the table he could hear her crying and he saw the stupid little
hamster howling. Trying not to laugh, he walked into the bathroom without
even knocking. He pulled Conner into his arms and said, "It's all right.
I've been lonely a few times in my life too." She cried for a few moments
and then she said, "How did you know I was upset and crying?"
"Well, it's a long story but when we get back out there would you see if
there is anything on the counter that belongs to you?"
Looking at Jim strangely, she said, "Sure. Let me wash my face and I'll join
you out there." Jim walked out and could hear her getting herself under
control. He looked over at the hamster that should be named "baby" and saw
it had settled down and was no longer howling. Then he looked up once he sat
down and the damn thing started humping the covered butter dish again. Jim
leaned into Blair and said, "I'm going to kill you for having that stupid
thing on my kitchen counter."
As Megan came out of the bathroom, she glanced at the counter and saw the
hamster humping the butter dish and couldn't help it. She started laughing
her ass off, as she asked, "Jim, what the hell is that hamster doing?"
Everyone looked to where Megan was looking and saw nothing and Simon said,
"Conner come on, I think you've had one too many drinks." But Jim got up and
said, "Sir, I need to talk to Conner for a moment." Dragging her back into
the bathroom, Conner and Jim were still laughing like nutcases. "What the
hell is going on? Why don't they all see that little Hamster?"
"It's your spirit guide, Megan." Jim said trying not to start laughing again.
"Of for gods sake, what have I done to bring this on? I've been a good
person. Don't you think?"
"Yeah, I don't think we have any choice in who is our spirit guide, Conner."
"Well, that's easy for you to say, you have a cool black jaguar and Blair has
a cool gray wolf. And what do I get? A butter dish-humping hamster."
"Well, I was wondering Conner, has it been a long time since you've slept
with anyone?"
"Why?" She asked.
"Because maybe that's why he's doing that. Acting out what you are feeling."
And Jim couldn't help it, he was howling again. And then Megan was laughing
with him and finally they stopped when Blair walked in and said, "Everyone is
asking what's wrong. Come back to the game we'll discuss the little guide
after the game is over."
They all walked out into the kitchen and sat down. Every time Conner looked
at Jim she would start laughing and Jim did the same. Simon finally said,
"All right, what did we miss?"
"Nothing sir, just trying to humor Conner, she's been a little down and it's
working." Jim said smiling.
Jim looked over at the counter and the hamster had gotten the butter dish
cover off and was now humping the butter itself. Jim looked over at Conner
and she looked at Blair and all three of them started laughing their
collective Asses off. Simon stood up and said, "Okay, I'm out of here.
You're all too weird for me. Good night to all of you."
"Sir, we'll try to get ourselves under control." Jim said and looked over and
saw the hamster sliding all over the counter top because of the butter and
started laughing till he could hardly breathe. "Yeah, I see how you're under
control, Ellison. You three act like you're on something, I swear." Simon
said as he walked past the counter. He looked down and said, "What the hell
got into your butter dish, Ellison?" Which started the laughter up all over
again. * I give up. I'm getting out of here before it becomes catching,
Simon thought. *
Brown, Joel and Rafe all looked at the counter and Joel said, "I'd say you
have a mouse or something." The laughter started again and Rafe said, "The
captain is right, they are weird tonight."
As they all walked to the door, Jim, Megan and Blair calmed down enough to
say goodnight to them. Saying goodnight was fairly quick since the three men
acted as if they couldn't get out of their soon enough. As Jim shut and
locked the door he turned to Blair and said, "We have our spirit guides
home." And they all started laughing.
Jim walked up to Conner and said, "Wanna sleep upstairs with us?"
Looking at Jim and Blair she just kept opening her mouth over and over again.
Then finally answering she said, "Would we still be friends tomorrow?"
"I fucking hope so, or I'll have to listen to that damn hamster's little howl
day and night." Jim said laughing as he walked up the stairs.
Conner walked over to Blair and said, "I didn't know you two were together."
"We aren't, this will be our first. Wow, and we're going to have a
three-way. Hot damn, but that hamster did a good job with all that humping."
Blair and Megan were both laughing as they walked up the stairs. The
laughter stopped when they saw a naked Jim lying on the bed. "Holey Moley,
Batgirl, I think we'll have our hands full, what do you think?" Blair said
smiling.
"Oh yeah," Conner said stripping as she went towards the bed. When they were
all naked they got in bed and Jim said, "So how do you want to do this?"
"Hey, you invited, you tell us. We're just here for the ride." Blair said
with a huge smile on his face. Jim looked down and saw his cock standing out
proudly from his body and said, "I'd like to taste that, if you don't mind."
"I have something to say really fast." Conner said, breathing hard already.
"I named the little guy in the kitchen while we were taking our clothing off."
"And what would that be, Megan?" Jim said, using her first name since they
were all naked.
"Thumper." Megan said as they all went into fits of laughter.
Jim said, "I like that." And saying that he was taking Blair's cock into his
mouth and it looked like this night was going to be the most fun they'd had
in ages.
"Jim, could I watch you two? I mean, I can take care of myself, but I've
always wanted to see two men together."
"Sure you don't want something first, Megan?" Jim asked rubbing in between
her legs. "Oh shit, all right, fuck me now, thumper." Jim said to Blair,
"Chief, Fuck me while I fuck Megan, please?"
Blair said, "Whatever you want, Thumper." Blair said as he started getting
Jim ready and Jim readied he and Megan. Oh yeah, this was an interesting
night.
Simon walked up to the door to get his good luck cards, and was about to
knock when he heard the sex sounds coming from inside the loft. And Simon
could hear that it was all three of them and they were talking about someone
named Thumper. Saying they'd have to thank Thumper when they went
downstairs. Jesus, now Simon knew he missed something. * Go home, old man
before you stroke out. *
The end. (Thank god.)
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